tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3166724217441467142024-03-13T04:47:54.770-07:00Sometimes, you just gotta twirl...Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-43784770093792262202014-11-03T16:10:00.000-08:002014-11-03T16:10:01.806-08:00Happy Fall, Y'all.This past weekend my family came over and we had a big work day outside cleaning up and pruning trees.<br />
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My mom taught me how to prune a certain bush that was spilling out of the planter. This was the coaching she gave me: "look for the newest growth and then cut it back to the place it came from. In the spring, new growth will push out from that same place. This is the time of year we prune so that there are enough nutrients to grow new growth while keeping the whole plant from becoming unhealthy."</div>
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I didn't think of it then, but.... did she know that she would speak to me in such a metaphor?</div>
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Nature's change of season has brought a season of wrestling fear for me. And the Lord is challenging me to bravery. But being brave requires me to look my fear in it's face and that feels like this cutting off of that which is comfortable to me. Ironic, isn't it? How I think of my fear as my comfort zone. I know my fear. Fear demands no faith from me. At it's first whisper, it seems easier to my flesh. </div>
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And then it slowly sucks the joy and life right from my days. </div>
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So the Lord gifts me this metaphor of pruning and it's not the first time He gives it(John 15) but it moves me in a powerful way. He takes me back to the last time, not more than a year ago, when I learned to believe Him more and to trust Him deeper. That time I felt like I'd remember forever just how enough He is and how satisified I am in Him. How brave I feel in His embrace. </div>
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And He says "Let Me take you back, cut you back, to where that knowing came from. For then, when the seasons change again, new growth, more fruit, will come."<br />
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So will I say yes? Yes to Him and yes to brave. Yes to facing my fear because there is no way to be brave other than to stare it down, see it for what it is, and choose trust instead. Choose trusting the Father's heart even if those fears become reality and believing that where He leads will never be out of His Plan or His tender arms.<br />
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As the leaves fall and the trees are stripped in preparation for winter, I can choose to be laid bare before the Lord in a season of brave vulnerability. May we all embrace the gift of pruning He offers.<br />
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Happy Fall, y'all.<br />
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-18417094362158897042014-08-10T23:12:00.001-07:002014-08-10T23:12:40.297-07:00Michael's Story. <div class="Body" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><i>So today I have a guest on this little blog of mine. A guest pretty special to me. His name is Michael and he is my husband.</i></span></blockquote>
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<i>Over the seven years that we have been married, there have been times I've questioned God about our marriage, I've experienced every emotion possible toward this man, and I never would have believed that </i>this <i>day would come. But I need to say this: When I read these words, my heart and eyes overflowed. Because it isn't at all possible that this is either of us. And it makes me believe all the more in the goodness and grace of my Father.</i></blockquote>
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<i>I've never been more grateful to get to stand next to this man and walk through life with him... the good and the hard parts. This guy makes me proud to be his wife with these words that take God-blessed courage to write. And then I asked him if I could share them with you all. So here they are: </i>Michael's Story.</blockquote>
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</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I always thought it was my appearance that mattered. Now it's my shattered appearance that draws me to Jesus.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Be warned...this is ugly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">As I write, so many emotions are overwhelming my heart. It's weird because I never was a guy that wore his emotions on his sleeve. I was too tough for that. I was a real man ya know? It all changed when reality really, I mean really, dawned on me that I was a completely broken, needy person, that was behind the bars of sin, pun intended. In May of 2012, the walls I'd built up, the fortress I'd created, the masks I wore, it all fell. Not in a pretty way either. Behind the mask was a man that spent about ten years relying on pornography to meet his deepest need. A constant let down. A man that had been married for five years and had multiple affairs. A man that visited strip clubs. A lying, manipulative, secretive, self-seeking man that thought he had it all together. A man that went to church and professed Christ outwardly, but inwardly was a prisoner to sexual sin. My appearance was in tact, but inside I was a mess.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Told you it was ugly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I always thought a weakness meant being a failure and failing was not an option. Now I shout my weaknesses to the world.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">There's a story in Luke 8 about a woman with a hemorrhage. For 12 years this uncontrollable flow of blood plagued her. One day, in what seems to be a last ditch effort, she reaches out to Jesus. In the Message Version, Luke tells it like this: "When the woman realized that she couldn't remain hidden, she knelt trembling before Him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story---why she touched Him and how at that same moment she was healed (8:47-48)." It's crazy how much I relate to this story. When I used to read the Bible I wanted to relate to David slaying Goliath or Peter walking on water. But the lady with the hemorrhage? Really? Oh well... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">In May of 2012, when I realized I couldn't remain hidden anymore, I knelt trembling before my Lord. For the last two and a half years, and still today, I choose to blurt out my story. Not because it feels good. Oh, absolutely not. It sucks really. It's painful. But the magnification of my ugliness leaves an immense amount of room for the magnification of God's glory. I get to share the healing power of our Lord. It's not that He made me completely perfect. No, I am far from that. It's that He has shown me I am perfectly complete in Him. And the best part about the end of Luke 8, Jesus replies with "you took a risk in trusting Me, and now you're healed and WHOLE."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I always thought that I had to come to God whole for Him to be proud of me. Now I know it's the broken Michael He desires. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm 51:17).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">As a culture we don't like things that are broken. Broken glass, throw it away. Rip in the couch, get rid of it. Old car, buy a new one. Chip on the tooth, get it fixed quick before family pictures. I recently heard about this Japanese form of art called Kintsugi. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">The idea is to highlight the imperfections of pottery. The cracks are traced over, but not just with anything. They are traced over with gold. The best artwork is the one that has the most flaws. Why? More room for the gold embellishment. The<v:shapetype coordsize="21600,21600" filled="f" id="_x0000_t75" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" stroked="f"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype></span><v:shape id="officeArt_x0020_object" o:spid="_x0000_s1026" strokeweight="1pt" style="height: 103.4pt; margin-left: 5.7pt; margin-top: 52.45pt; mso-position-horizontal-relative: margin; mso-position-horizontal: absolute; mso-position-vertical-relative: page; mso-position-vertical: absolute; mso-wrap-distance-bottom: 12pt; mso-wrap-distance-left: 12pt; mso-wrap-distance-right: 12pt; mso-wrap-distance-top: 12pt; mso-wrap-style: square; position: absolute; visibility: visible; width: 147.65pt; z-index: 1;" type="#_x0000_t75" wrapcoords="0 0 0 21600 21600 21600 21600 0 0 0"><v:stroke miterlimit="4"></v:stroke><v:imagedata o:title="" src="file:///C:\Users\Porter's\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.jpg"></v:imagedata><w:wrap anchorx="margin" anchory="page" type="through"></w:wrap></v:shape><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">illumination of the cracks is the true beauty. The master artist traces over the once broken parts with gold, and a piece that was at one time ugly, becomes extremely valued. Not because the cracks were removed, but because they now shine bright with the handiwork of the master artist. The cracks in my heart, the broken parts of me haven't been removed. No, they are still there, but now they have been traced over with the glory of the real Master Artist. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I always thought I had the Holy Spirit living inside me. Now I realize I had a room deep within my heart that I never allowed Him access to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Revelation 3:20 says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to Him and eat with him, and he with Me." So this was at the end of the letter to the Church of Laodicea, meaning to professing believers. My question is, what if the door He is knocking on isn't the front door. What if He's talking about already being in the house, and He's knocking not on the front door, but on the door to the hidden room we never let anyone in to. He promised me that if I opened that door He would come in and dine with me. Right in the middle of the filth, the mess, the most broken part of me, Jesus wanted to set up brunch. I want to dine where it's the cleanest. Jesus seems to meet me right where it is the dirtiest. That stuff doesn't make Jesus uncomfortable like it does me. A prostitute poured oil on Him and kissed His feet. I would have been extremely self-conscience in that moment, wondering what the others around me thought. Jesus thrived in those moments. Seemed to, shall we say, "live" for those moments. We don't change and then come into the presence of Jesus. We are changed by coming into the presence of Him. I never was going to have that filthy room cleaned up good enough to open it willingly. My only option, when I couldn't remain hidden anymore, was to open the door and cry out to Him for help. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Andrew Murray wrote once that "we are to always meet with God as a God who desires truth in our inward parts. In all your confession of sin, in all your religion, in your whole existence, let truth in your inward parts be your desire as it is the desire of God." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Psalm 69:33 says "For The Lord hears the needy and does not despise His own people who are prisoners."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">While I literally did spend time in prison because of my sins, I believe this is talking about those incarcerated to their sins. When I finally cried out to God, when I told Him that He could do whatever it took and I didn't care what it would cost me, He was faithful to rescue, to bail me out. When I finally valued the presence of Christ in the darkest room of my heart over what people would think of me, over future pursuits, over appearing like a godly man, the chains of sin lost their power. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I always thought it was best to keep my struggles to myself. Ya know, between me and God. Now I think that the prayers of a righteous person have incredible power and my struggles need to be confessed to them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Only when I am courageous enough to allow others to dive into the depths of my darkness, am I able to experience the freedom of the light. The ironic thing about our life is that generally we think for our light to shine bright we need to make sure everything in our life looks good and spiritual and healthy. If it's all in place people will be like, "wow, look at him!" And I'm like "yeah, look at me." But if people were to see the broken things in me and see God work gloriously in and through them, people will be like "wow, look at God!" And I will be like "yeah, look at Him." But too often I want people to look at me. But I can't make much of God and me at the same time. "He must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica;">I say we choose to no longer walk in the dark. What if we choose to be glow sticks. Yes, glow sticks. The only way our light shines is through brokenness. Then and only then are we moldable clay in the hands of God. If not, we are simply stiff, dark individuals walking around this earth. My prayer for myself and for others is that we would take a risk in trusting Jesus. That we would open up that secret door to Him. That we would ask God to reveal to us the broken areas in our life so that He can trace over it with gold.</span></div>
Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-15910041556868624562014-07-22T03:25:00.001-07:002014-07-22T03:25:41.118-07:00Payslie Rae {5}The one that made me a momma was born 5 years ago today. <div>
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At 1:55am, Payslie Rae made her grand entrance into the world after a 38 hour induction. Let's just say there were a lot of reasons I was glad she finally got here.</div>
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Even though I still owe Mercy her birthday update, I decided I'd make myself proud and post one on time this year! ;)</div>
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So, in keeping with the theme... Payslie, you get a letter too.</div>
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My Payslie girl,</div>
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5 years. I still can't believe it... time moves too fast and more and more Daddy and I look at you and are blown away that you are growing up so quickly. </div>
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This past year has been a big one. Can I just tell you that you are such a trooper? I've loved watching you interact with your friends, be THE best biggest sister, and excel at so many things that you try. We've cried tears this past year and we've needed Jesus. </div>
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The highlight of your fourth year of life was the night you and Felicity were in the tub and you were talking about Jesus being in your heart. I asked you if you had ever asked Him to be in your heart and you said 'no, but I want to right now!' and you prayed the sweetest prayer my ears have ever heard and then you looked at your little sister Felicity and you asked her if she wanted to be with Jesus forever too..... she said 'yes' and you said, so excitedly, 'THEN ASK HIM RIGHT NOW!' And we had the biggest celebration right there in the bathroom and you told me you wanted to tell everyone that you were going to be with Jesus forever. And we made a dozen phone calls to share your news. It was the best.</div>
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Your imaginative play has blossomed and the forts you can build are just so.... messy. haha. You like building "cottages" with multiple rooms. You are quite the little artist and spend hours creating beautiful artwork for all your loved ones. </div>
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Pretty sure you got this from your daddy, but seriously, you are my little athlete. You amaze me with the way that you have excelled in acrobats and how quickly you catch on to new things. </div>
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You like maxi skirts and high heels and painting your nails and jewelry. Your favorite thing is one-on-one time with anyone. And girl, I think you may be the pickiest eater in the entire world.</div>
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I've picked this scripture out for you this year:</div>
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"On the day I called, You answered me; You made me bold with strength in my soul." Psalm 138:3</blockquote>
This year, you have battled with anxiety and fear. And I just love the promise that The Lord gives to make us bold with soul-strength when we call to Him. That's what I want for you my girl. That's why I picked this verse.<br />
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My prayer for you this year is that you be BRAVE. Because fear will suck the life and joy and peace right from you and I want more for you than that and I know you want more. I want you to always know that I am for you, to have the freedom to struggle through the learning of this courage, and to be confident that we have your back in those times of fear and anxiety.<br />
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Your tender heart towards Jesus is where it all will begin, my precious one. None of us can be brave without Him. Not truly brave, anyways. Let's learn together to get on our knees at the first whisper of doubt, the first glimmer of worry.... and we will find victory in Jesus, Pays. Cuz that's how His story always goes.<br />
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I'm so excited for all the new adventures we get to take this fifth year of your life. We will hold hands and skip and laugh and learn and fail and cry and ask Jesus to walk with us the whole way. It's gonna be one for the memory books.<br />
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I love you with my whole heart, my Payslie Rae.<br />
~your MommyBryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-37923494241653056972014-05-19T10:58:00.000-07:002014-05-19T10:58:00.720-07:00{s e v e n}<br />
So I'm kinda a hater of syrupy love posts. But I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with gratitude.<br />
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Today, Michael and I celebrate our seventh wedding anniversary.<br />
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And <i>celebrate</i> is the miracle here. Because 2 years ago on this day, neither of our broken selves could imagine that would ever be possible. Not the way we had before or the way a couple hopes to.<br />
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BUT.... <i><b>JESUS</b></i>.<br />
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"And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" Rev. 21:5<br />
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And He surely is.<br />
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We've walked the valley of the shadow and there have been days we thought for sure we would die right there in the middle of the desert. There are times we wanted to. But in a place with no circumstantial water, it drove us with desperate thirst to the Living Water.<br />
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I've seen the profound beauty that comes from an ugly-messy marriage transformed in the hands of the Lord and I've been profoundly blessed by a husband who hit his own bottom and let Jesus grab hold of him with His gracious, merciful arms. And you bet it surprised this self-righteous wife when at the bottom of the pit, for the first time in our marriage, I experienced what spiritual leadership could be in a marriage. Because there is nothing like watching someone fall in love with Jesus. And as I watched Michael run desperate to Him and be satisfied in Him, I wanted <i>that.</i> It led me to dare to drop the pursuit of perfection and instead to desire the hope that is found in His all-sufficient grace.<br />
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And although I've battle the 'what-ifs', I am glad that the future is unknown to us and that I didn't know all that was to come when I walked that aisle. Because my flesh avoids pain...<br />
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But today, I can say with grateful tears, it has been worth it. And THAT is pure God-grace.<br />
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And so today is a celebration. Of all that our God has done in my life, in Michael's life, in our marriage. It's a day where we take a time to look back and remember all that He has already done because the road is hard and we are weak. But praise be to Him who is faithful and in whom we are complete!<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Standing on this mountaintop</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Looking just how far we’ve come</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Knowing that for every step</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You were with us</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Kneeling on this battle ground</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Seeing just how much You’ve done</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Knowing every victory</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Was Your power in us</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Scars and struggles on the way</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But with joy our hearts can say</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yes, our hearts can say</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Never once did we ever walk alone</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Carried by Your constant grace</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Held within Your perfect peace</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Never once, no, we never walk alone</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Never once did we ever walk alone</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Never once did You leave us on our own</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You are faithful, God, You are faithful</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Every step we are breathing in Your grace</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You are faithful, God, You are faithful</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You are faithful, God, You are faithful</span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">-Matt Redman </span></div>
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-80533870490335070902014-04-26T16:10:00.002-07:002014-04-26T16:10:37.251-07:00Celebrating a Miracle-filled Year.<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs on out me... And I don't ever have to be afraid, cuz this one thing remains : Your love never fails."</blockquote>
Sitting here this morning with a cup of coffee and listening to ^that^ song on Pandora. And I've got a smile on my face.<br />
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So I don't know if this is an actual thing or not, but once someone said that the birthday when your age matches the number of your birthdate, is called your 'golden' birthday. I specifically remember because I was 10 at the time and my friend was having her 'golden' birthday turning 11 and I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't fair that I had to wait all-the-whole-long-lifetime until I actually turned the ripe old age of 26.<br />
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And here it is.<br />
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Wish I could tell that 10 year old me that 26 is hardly the antique age I thought it must be.<br />
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Anyways... I've been thinking this past week about the last year and all the ways that God has loved me to Himself and the treasures He has given me in revealing His heart toward me and for me. And I've had an overwhelming sense that my 25th year of life has been a year of <i><b>MIRACLES.</b></i><br />
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I was just reading my journal from one year ago and remembering how deeply I was struggling with surrendering to God's desire for me. His desire that I trust Him. I was scared of the future and what God would ask me to walk through and I was terrified of the pain that would accompany that. I had my list of "worst-case scenarios" and all of them, in my mind, couldn't possibly be God's best for me. My fear was that God might actually allow those things to happen because they were apart of His 'Great Big Peferct Will for the World' but that I would get lost in the 'grand scheme of things' and I would be left wounded, bleeding, and forgotten.<br />
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And if someone had tried to tell me that I would learn to trust my Savior's heart <i>through </i>the very thing I claimed that I could never do... well, I just wouldn't have believed it.<br />
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So, when the past year brought a season of solo-parenting, I learned that I was right. I couldn't do it. Not on my own. But with Christ as my strength, my rock, and my stronghold, I learned that I could trust Him to meet me at my limits and when I couldn't continue another second, somehow I made it one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more week. And although at one time I thought I could get this parenting thing licked, I now realize that even in a two-parent home, I don't have enough and can't be enough to do this thing without Jesus. (heck, there could be a dozen parents working together and I'd still be a wreck.)<br />
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So the miracle? In what I deemed would not and could not be loving of God to ask of me, He worked in my heart and through my circumstances to make me a better mom. He took the realities of my loneliness, my exhaustion, my 'at-the-end-of-my-too-short-rope' feelings and drew me to Himself and to dependence on Him and His grace. I love my daughters more deeply now that I have seen that my flesh's weakness doesn't have to mean guilt or defeat in child-raising but has birthed a path to victory through humbling mothering my daughters, not in perfection, but in His power.<br />
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In addition to being terrified to parenting alone, I had a gripping fear of loneliness. The thing is, I've experienced this lonely feeling for most of my life, even when in the midst of a crowd of people. And maybe I thought that it would swallow me if I found myself literally alone for an extended amount of time. (of course, there were usually 3 little ones around, but I think you get my point.)<br />
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So naturally, when I felt the Lord leading my to sit in my 'aloneness' and not fill it with social media, television, food, girls nights 3 times a week, and whatever else I could schedule, I. DID. NOT. LIKE. IT. But God had something for me <i>there</i> too. In the quiet and in that pain, He met me in a way I'd never known Him truly before. I met Him as Friend and as Husband. And I experienced the miracle He had for me when I let HIM complete me. And He makes me full and so very satisfied.<br />
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And of course there are the anonymous gift cards that allowed me to buy Christmas gifts, and the garage sale money that seriously, I'm postitive mulitplied like the loaves and fish, and healed family relationships, and friendships that are the most real I've ever experienced, and provided vehicles and housing, and support from so very many people.<br />
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And OH YEAH. THIS----<br />
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Yep. I'm telling you.... it's been the year of MIRACLES for me.<br />
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And He gives beyond which I could ever imagine.<br />
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"And they who know Your Name [who have experience and acquaintance with Your mercy] will lean on and confidently put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek [inquire of and for] You. [on the authority of God's Word and the right of their necessity]" Psalm 9:10AMP</blockquote>
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-57044029631739627342014-03-13T02:12:00.003-07:002014-03-13T02:12:56.013-07:00Confessions of a Food Addict.It's been about a month since the Lord told me to write this. Yes, that is what you call delayed obedience (or rather, disobedience). But I really haven't had the words until tonight so maybe I've actually just been waiting on Him.<br />
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I'm a food addict. {one who seriously can't believe I'm writing this... on the freaking internet.}</div>
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Eight weeks ago I asked for some accountablity and some help to start eating more nutritiously and living healthier. Honestly, I thought if I just acknowlged that I had an 'issue' and told someone, that it would get easier and I wouldn't be so quick to indulge myself. And at this point, I really had myself believing it was just an issue of not eating healthy.</div>
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That was a BIG FAT LIE. The next 3 weeks were some of the worst 'acting out' of my life. The chains of bondage felt like they were choking the life out of me. I was completely powerless against whatever whim I found my flesh desiring.... engaing in the sin of gluttony completely willingly and without hesitation.</div>
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As more days passed with my 'trying' and failing and failing again.... I started feeling so completely defeated. I am disgusted with my lack of self-disipline and lack of self-control.... and my still-present struggle to believe that my Jesus can meet and satisfy ALL of my desires.</div>
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So then, a little over 4 weeks ago, I reached out for a prayer intervention and confessed my ongoing sin of gluttony. And it's been pretty up-and-down since then.</div>
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And I know the Lord is really trying to get my attention. And I want to want(yes that stutter was intentional) Him enough that I keep asking Him to not give up until I give in. </div>
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And for real. I WANT to hunger and thirst for Him more than a warm maple bar and a cold diet dr. pepper. But the truth is that I settle for what tastes good on my tongue and deny His power to change my heart. The reality of this frustrates and grieves me. And it's not just food. It's Facebook, and television, and social time, and candy crush, and crafts and it goes on because there are so many things that I say 'yes' to in order to satisfy when it's HIM that I'm so desperate for! </div>
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And I'm sick and tired of wanting 'comfort' more than wanting the Comforter.</div>
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So here is the deal: I'm making some changes and I'm gonna beg God to change my heart as I do. Because I really don't want to change anything. I don't want to say no to myself or deny myself. And that scares the hell out of me. [that's supposed to be a metaphor, not a curse word... but I feel like such a rebel typing that.] Right now, I'm studying Jesus' message to the Church in Revelation and I feel the holy fire of conviction and the need to repent! And contrary to what I used to think 'repent' means, it's more than telling the Lord "I'm sorry".... it's actually <i>changing</i>!!!!<br />
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Tonight, I took another step forward in this "change". And I'm hesitantly excited about it.<br />
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I'm going to be working on 'eating responsibly' and doing some intentional exercise. And the Lord also convicted me about this tonight: I'm going to stop complaining about my body and making jokes about my addiction to food. Because the truth is that it's not funny. It's idolatry and it shouldn't be taken lightly. And I've spent far too much time justifying and excusing my sin.<br />
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So... out of all of the things that I've shared on here, this is possibly the most difficult. This is ugly truth. And it's MY ugly truth. I'm so thankful that Jesus has shown me the miracles He can work with ugly. I'm choosing to trust that He can do the same with this. </div>
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Here's to FREEDOM. *cheers*</div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-16771897068238844352014-02-12T22:52:00.000-08:002014-02-12T22:52:31.049-08:00A Word for the Lonely on Valentine's Day.Sometimes there are certain days that ache more. Days that mark milestones and days that hold special meaning.... birthdays and holidays and anniversaries.... <div>
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So Valentine's Day is upon us... and maybe you feel an ache. Maybe things aren't the way you wish they were or maybe there is a certain way you imagine the day and you know once again that you will most likely be disappointed. </div>
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Maybe you don't currently have a significant other and this day magnifies that reality and you wonder when it'll be your turn and you kinda(just a little bit) want to throw up in your mouth at all the ooey-gooey mushy pictures and phrases and reminders of what you don't have.</div>
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Or maybe you have your 'valentine' but there's hurt or distance or regret and when you think of celebrating you feel a little.... bleh. And maybe this 'day of love' holds painful memories that you just can't quite get over or good ones that the 'now' can't measure up to.</div>
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Maybe you wonder how he doesn't know which are your favorite flowers or your choice chocolates or the fact that you'd rather get a pedicure then add inches to your waistline or you feel like you should have it all and then some for the birthing of the babies and the washing of the underwear and the cooking of the meals. </div>
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And maybe with all the hoopla surrounding this commercialized day that awakens desires for romance and whirlwind and fairy tales and all that jazz.... maybe you feel really lonely.</div>
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I sure can.</div>
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And maybe not... maybe things for you are great, but maybe you want to dare to ask for more than just candlelight and candy and ridiculously expensive cards. </div>
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Now, Valentine's day may just be a modern excuse for a bunch of people to make more money and for an extra pinterest board and a whole lot of stress for moms and males alike....But what if we took this day and celebrated the Love that loved us so extravagantly that He came and <i>died </i>and <i>lives</i> so we can know this LOVE???</div>
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"The one who does not love does not know God, for <b>God is love</b>. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:8-10</blockquote>
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What if we asked Him to open our hearts so that we'd fall deeper and deeper into a wildly adventurous love affair with Him?</div>
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"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12</blockquote>
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"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14</blockquote>
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"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19</blockquote>
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What if we let Him pull us close into His tender embrace and bask in the comfort that He offers?</div>
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"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4</blockquote>
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What if we sit adoringly at His feet and let Him delight fully in us and listen as He joyfully sings over us?</div>
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"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17</blockquote>
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What if we stare long into the eyes our Bridegroom.... finding safety in the intimacy of being completely known and completely loved....</div>
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"I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep." John 10:14-15</blockquote>
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"O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it." Psalm 139:1-6</blockquote>
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<b>The God who hears us, Who sees us, Who created that very flower we enjoy so much.</b></div>
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<b>The God who doesn't forsake, never abandons, cannot betray....Who is gentle and patient and kind.</b></div>
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<b>The God who gives Light to our darkness, strength to our weakness, redeems all of our failings, and satisfies all of our desires.</b></div>
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Oh friends, when we stop and meditate on how He loves us... surely there will never be a Valentine's day romantic to-do that will ever beat that.</div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-28797206149843139732014-01-27T00:35:00.000-08:002014-01-27T00:35:52.407-08:00Felicity is 3. {belated b-day update}<br />
The intention of this blog originally was to catalog the growing up of my kiddos. Hasn't happened that way and I'm totally okay with that, but got to thinking that perhaps I could manage an annual 'update' on birthdays as to who my little humans are so that I don't forget. Because I realize that I do, for these moments are passing so quickly. And this way, maybe you can get a couple of chuckles and I can get a couple of prayers when I share this little booger-pill that I love so much with you. However, this post is a day shy of one month late. But whatevs.<div>
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This girl. She keeps me laughing and praying and pulling my hair out. She is a big-drama-mama and I'm sure sometimes our neighbors wonder how one child can make so much noise. Because the truth is that a cry about an unkind word or an unshared toy sounds pretty much the exact same as a life-threatening injury. And the rate at which it can turn off and on is next to the speed of light. </div>
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But, as she grows and I'm confronted with learning to parent one who has some mad skills of manipulation, there some things that are frighteningly close to the person I see in the mirror. {probably that big-drama-mama stuff. *sigh*}</div>
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I'll share some fun things this girl does that I love and some things we are working on in a letter to her from me that I look forward to sharing with her as she grows up.</div>
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My dear Felicity Noel,</div>
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What love I have for you... and how much fun I have had being your mommy and watching you grow this year into a 'big 3 year old girl'. This year, you learned to share a room with your big sister and let's be honest... It was rough, huh? It took quite some time to learn to stay in your bed instead of joining Payslie(awake or not) to chat it up for hours. I think we are both glad that you are doing better with that.</div>
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One of my favorite things this year has been watching you become a big sister... what a great one you are! From the time Mercy was born, any cry she made had you running to her side to sing her "You are My Sunshine". You just loved when she would stop fussing so that she could listen to your singing. Now that she is getting older and crawling around, you are very serious about picking up EVERYTHING so that it is safely out-of-reach of her exploring grip. </div>
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I'm pretty sure that there is a little ballerina just waiting to burst out of you because I've never met a girl who loved to twirl as much as you do. Dress-up is a favorite of yours along with any skirt that is a 'twirler'. And those little black flats that are so beat up they look like they belong in the garbage? you love those things... your 'tip-toe shoes'. </div>
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You love playing Doctor and your name is always Dr. Molly. You LOVE digging in the dirt and taking care of babies which you affectionately call your 'honeys'. </div>
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You are a pretty good little eater except for the fact that you won't eat PB&J. You're 3.. what's up with that?? oh, and potatoes. (except I can't blame you there.)</div>
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You don't like shadows or bugs(of any sort). You love books, especially the look-n-finds. You also like to color... however, you really aren't very trustworthy when it comes to keeping crayons, markers, or pens on paper only.</div>
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Not sure where you got this;), but you have a knack for debate and are a natural negotiator. I think this spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.</div>
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You have an exuberant zest for life... as we work on self-control, I pray I never squash this in you. I love your excitement. You live entirely in the moment, abandoned to whatever it is that you are feeling right then... good or bad. Sometimes, I see that glint of a rebel in your eyes. I think you like rocking the boat a bit.(or a lot.) And you know what? I think if we ask Jesus for His help, that can be a really good thing. Because you know who else rocked the boat? Jesus did. And I want you to be like Him. Remember that special night this year? when you asked Jesus to come live in your heart so you could be with Him forever? I'm telling you, girl of mine, He is always faithful. He is gonna teach us how to channel that spontaneity and spunk for good stuff!</div>
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I can't believe it's been 3 years(and some days) since my world was blessed with all the laughter you brought into it. I'm so very thankful for you, my precious one. </div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-1397128105249229112014-01-14T01:38:00.001-08:002014-01-14T01:38:57.919-08:00You're Invited."Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear; but certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer nor His lovingkindness from me." Psalm 66:16:-20<br />
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I've been chewing on this for awhile now. A couple of months ago, I had an incredible experience with Jesus. I sat down to plunk my thoughts out here... but God said to wait. I wondered at that and then in the last several weeks I've wrestled hard again with fear and doubt. So I'm thinking that God's timing may have been for me to embrace this dare-prayer in the middle of this struggle... and invite you to join.<br />
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A little over a year ago, I started asking God to increase my faith. And it wasn't like a "Please give me more faith, Lord" in a sweet, timid voice just because I thought it'd be cool.<br />
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No. It was an agonizing, pleading cry for faith because it was like I woke up and realized that I did not believe everything that I said I did. I was smack dab in the center of a faith crisis and it was gonna go one way or the other and I.was.terrified.<br />
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At the time, everything in my life was in complete upheaval and I'm crazy enough to know that God took me to that place so I would see how pathetically weak my faith was. I thought about that parable about faith the size of a mustard seed and I took my tiny grain of faith, just enough to ask for more, and I dared to tell my mountain of unbelief to move.<br />
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Over the next several months, God started revealing things to me about myself but more importantly, He revealed things about HIMSELF to me. And it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I actually looked back.... and I was astounded at what I saw.<br />
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Mount Unbelief had been thrown into the sea.<br />
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And this brings me to a couple of months ago. Late on a Monday night... in the car... for the first time ever, I understood and <i>believed</i> that God.Is.Enough.<br />
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And it's not a "I've learned how to go without the worldly things of this world and I'm not selfish anymore and that's why Jesus is enough for me because I don't want any of this other stuff anymore" and that load of bull that Jesus being enough is some sort of spartan existence...<br />
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No! It's the complete opposite.... That moment, the one that I realized for the first time that I believed and I mean truly believed that God is enough for me.... I've never felt so... FULL. Full to gushing like it was gonna just spill all over everything and anything and no matter what happens in this life... HE IS ENOUGH and then some.<br />
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God had answered me...<br />
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"In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You, for You will answer me." Ps. 86:7<br />
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"The humble have seen it and are glad; you who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise His who are prisoners." Ps. 69:32-33<br />
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"This poor man[woman] cried, and the LORD heard him[her] and saved him[her] out of all of his[her] troubles." Ps. 34:6<br />
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That moment.... it was a precious Grace gift from my Jesus. A moment when that which my head knew to be true and my mouth declared to be Truth, connected with my heart and I could hardly breathe from the weight of the blessing of it all.<br />
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And I have to tell you because well, first of all, it's awesome! but mostly because if you haven't experienced that for yourself.... you just have to! You can't miss out on that... seriously, don't miss it.<br />
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And if any part of you wants it, (I know I want more!) then take this dare with me:<br />
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Invite God to wreck your life.<br />
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To wreck the way we think things should be... to break attachments to anything other than His Heart...to bust out of the limits that we so foolishly place on Him.<br />
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Can't wait to see what He does.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-7758329686059342162014-01-11T14:06:00.001-08:002014-01-11T14:06:53.474-08:00McDonald's: My Momma Fears Revealed.<div>
It happened in a split-second.... I had just turned to grab a diaper and there she rolled. Off of the bench and onto the ground (tile-ground. In McDonalds. Hard, germy ground!).</div>
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A traumatic-first for me to be sure, but not the first time that a baby has rolled off of whatever thanks to the carelessness of a within-reach-parent. And she is perfectly fine although I'm still kinda not. In the moment, it seemed to magnify and confirm a deep-rooted fear...<br />
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As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.<br />
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The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.<br />
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And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.<br />
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The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.<br />
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It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes. </div>
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And my prayer on these hard days, days when I battle hard with self-doubt, when the list of the virtuous woman just seems so far out of reach.... I search and pray for this:<br />
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"But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30b and may that lead to "Her children rise up and bless her" Proverbs 31:28a.<br />
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and might that be enough.<br />
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-9284747102421284872014-01-09T22:42:00.000-08:002014-01-09T22:42:55.953-08:002014's New Year's {not-so-resolute} Resolution.New Year's came and went... I didn't really resolve to do anything. But it's still January and I decided a new resolution really can come at any time so I won't allow my procrastination to once again win.<br />
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Maybe better late than never can be true for this too. </div>
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So, I've been thinking about it. Because although I could easily come up with some things that I "should" be resolute about (ie. lose baby weight-or whatever "weight" it is-, make more healthy meals, exercise, read more stories to the kids, etc...) I know that the sad, bottom-line is that I simply lack much commitment to making these things happen and I would probably end up on the list of people who give up on their resolutions about week 3 of 2014. </div>
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It may turn out that I still completely fail at my "resolution" which I am going to categorize as more of a "goal" (because I can certainly handle making more of those in my life).... but I decided that I would make it about something that I actually have some passion for (and clearly health is not one of those things at this point in my life according to the previous, embarrassing admission about no commitment to any such things).<br />
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So, I've decided that I am going to blog once a week. This is extremely daunting since I am one of the most sporadic bloggers that ever did live. Nevertheless, I'm gonna give it a go.<br />
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Happy Blogging Year :) </div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-8496262837003058812013-11-12T00:48:00.003-08:002013-11-12T00:48:33.086-08:00The Blessing of the Child-PrayerI don't even remember what it was that she did.... but, I looked at her and said, "Felicity, you know that was wrong. Come here..."<br />
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And she looked at me with that.... that look. The one that says, "hmm... not sure I want to obey you right now."<br />
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So our eyes are locked. My eyebrows lift in a "don't-even-think-about-it" challenge and I watch her battle it out inside that child-brain of hers....<br />
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Yeah, you guessed it. She chose her way.<br />
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And on this particular day, for this particular battle- I decided I was going to win. But I decided I wanted to win her heart. Not just the "uncle-cry". (<--it shames me to admit how often I give in upon claiming this)<br />
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As she turned to stalk off to her room and the familiar comfort of her blankie and paci(oh believe me, the decision to include that little bit of truth was so not an easy call for me. yes, she still has a pacifier. yes, she will be 3 in less that 2 months.), I called her back to sit on my lap. Until she could sit still and calmly accept my authority.<br />
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This is the part where I wanted to give in. I didn't know how long it was going to take. I had stuff to do. Seriously, child-of-mine, JUST OBEY ME!<br />
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But. <i><u>We've</u></i> been praying. Asking Him to soften my heart and change the way I love to the way He loves.<br />
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So there we sat. Her, seething and squirming and wrestling. Me, praying that she would give in before I did.<br />
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And she did. All of the sudden.... she leaned into me. I felt the tension leave her little body... she still cried... only now, quiet and soft. She said, "okay mommy."<br />
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And I held her. And she wrapped her arms around me and told me she loved me and she was off to play.... the familiar comforts forgotten about.<br />
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Felicity. This is the girl that prays for me every night. Things like, "Mommy makes mistakes and please help her to use nice words" and "God, please help Mommy to really, really, really, really be patient" (she must know that's about how much patience it takes with her!!!)... and I joke and tease that these prayers are somehow manipulative to make me feel guilty but oh my goodness even if they are, it matters not because the Lord uses them to speak to me in profound ways.<br />
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And tonight He took me back to this day.... to this memory that wasn't so many days ago. And He spoke to me.<br />
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About how I stare into His Word and I feel those whispers of conviction across my soul and sometimes I <i>still choose me.</i><br />
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And how many times do I turn and run to the familiar comforts??? Food, unhealthy relationships, fantasy worlds found in movies and tv shows and books and social media.... the list is endless but these are some of my top choices.<br />
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Oh, but when I stop and I listen even just enough to sit, though it be squirming, seething, wrestling.....<br />
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It's only a matter of time until He gets to me and I <i>lean into Him</i>..... and I can breathe in His Peace and His Presence. His Love is just that way.... it's too strong to not be moved by it. <br />
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"Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Fulfill your promise to your servant, so that you may be feared." Ps. 119:36-38<br />
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And may I continue to be gifted with these child-prayers that inspire me to turn back toward my Jesus and wrestle if need be until I encounter the Love that changes everything.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-59804297452398517572013-09-30T11:15:00.001-07:002013-09-30T11:15:44.009-07:00No such thing as a 'pintrest' Miracle.I love all things crafty. I love looking at something that is lackluster or plain and seeing a vision of what it could be and working with my hands to make it transform. Yet, I've had an impulse to do this with my own life. Like my ideas of how God could or should redeem are the right ones. And shame on me for standing indignant when He doesn't use my 'brilliant' plan.<br />
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How can healing happen between 2,500 miles? How can communication blossom and mature over controlled fragments of time? How can a marriage start to find its way to health and Home? How can redemption sweep real and holy <i>through a jail cell</i>???<br />
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<b><i>JESUS.</i></b><br />
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Yeah. I know. It doesn't make sense. Pretty sure that's the business He is in. He leaves no room for doubt that it's not my 'craft-project-plan' that makes whole out of shattered and broken but it's His relentless love. And His crazy, wild, out-of-control, amazing <b>grace</b>.<br />
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This messy grace that He bathes me in... I have to fight to receive it. Sometimes I think that the package it's coming in could use a little 'pintrest-creativity-help' because it might help my ego when I talk about it.... when I share the miraculous work that He is doing.<br />
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Since when does a<b> miracle</b> need a pretty wrap job???<br />
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When it's just <b><i>Him</i></b> and when it's all <i>grace</i>.... that's beauty enough. <i>Lord, help me believe it and receive it.</i><br />
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Maybe the journey seems long and the days are hard not because He is slow, because He never is but only patient with me(2 Peter 3:9), but because I am....<br />
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Slow to learn, slow to surrender, slow to believe, slow to trust, slow to obey....<br />
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Slow to accept.<br />
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To accept that which comes from His Hand, knowing that it is only good for me and glory for Him. Accept His pattern of beauty that He is weaving in my life and believe that it is far more beautiful than what I had in mind.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-60435348273652022252013-09-19T23:15:00.000-07:002013-09-19T23:15:02.426-07:00Let a song rise.Young, aching voices asking questions that have no easy answers....<br />
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Moments that have my eyes filling with tears and I fight to give controlled reassurance...<br />
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The gut-checks that come out of nowhere and I struggle to gasp for air....<br />
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And giggles and firsts and changes that come yet are bittersweet....<br />
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And the truth is that we all have hearts that are wounded. But may we come weary to the One who binds us up<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">(Psalm 147:3)</span>.<br />
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Little bit of hope: the struggle will end and a song will rise....</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/zulKcYItKIA" width="480"></iframe>Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-14731202900995119132013-09-02T21:38:00.000-07:002013-09-02T21:38:05.383-07:00This ain't easy... I've thought about how to write this at least a thousand times. In fact, for the past 5 months, I've started, stopped, started again, stopped again.... yet no matter how I've tried... it doesn't come out easy or pretty. So here it comes...<br />
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One year and four months ago, I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. About 3 hours later, it became public knowledge as it was aired on news stations throughout the state in which we were living. The following 48 hours were the hardest hours I have ever lived, as life as I had known it, fell apart before my very eyes in the most horrific way I could have dreamt. My husband disclosed to me his multiple acts of infidelity among which were an addiction to pornography and a criminal charge of a sexual-offense.<br />
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I remember saying, "it would hurt less if he were dead."<br />
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In one phone-call, my dreams of a fairy-tale life died. And I was engulfed in a tidal wave of shock, anger, and sorrow.<br />
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I type these words for 3 reasons:<br />
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1. God told me to. (this is really the only one that matters)<br />
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2. I have come to be grateful for the lack of "secrecy" that came with this knowledge because I was beyond blessed by the body of Christ who reached out and ministered to me. And I cannot imagine walking through the pain of a broken marriage alone... and I know that far too many women do. And I want those precious ones to know--- you. are. NOT. alone.<br />
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3. refer to #1.<br />
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As I sit here, writing these words that I sometimes still struggle to believe are my story, I am in my home in which I live with my 3 beautiful daughters and my husband is serving a 2 year sentence in another state for his sin.<br />
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And I don't know how.... but I thank my Sovereign Lord that my life didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to.... He ransomed me from the american dream. And He showed me who He was and is when He stripped away all that I held more dear than Him.<br />
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I don't know what tomorrow holds (as I never did, but now I'm aware of this truth). In fact, all I really know, is that God is good. And He is enough. And on the days that I struggle to believe this, He pours His Grace out on me.<br />
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Although most days I feel vastly inadequate to be His instrument, I cling to and choose to believe His truth about me and know that any follower of His that yields themselves to His Hands is valuable to His Work and His Kingdom.<br />
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And now that these words have been written, I trust that He will lead me from here....Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-29028426353102594072013-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:002013-08-28T11:07:07.732-07:00Here am I. Send me!"I need your messy story… and <em style="font-style: italic;">you </em>need your messy story. So tell me your story, not your sermons, tell me your thrashing, and not just your theology. Tell me about your questions – and not just your quest. Because we read so that that we know that we aren’t the only ones."<br />
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I read this quote on Ann Voskamp's blog, <a href="http://aholyexperience.com/">A Holy Experience</a>. First of all, you should follow her blog. It is IN.CRED.IBLE. I've been re-reading this quote for 2 months... wondering what to do with it. </div>
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And then, Pastor Matt's challenge to the church was to "share your story" this week.</div>
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Ever feel like you keep asking God to make it more clear to you just cuz you wanna drag your feet about obeying? </div>
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Yeah... well, I have. And the thing is... He is answering my prayers. He's making it more clear.<br />
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But there is this voice that tells me I'm not ready. I'm not "out of the woods" or maybe still in danger of going off a cliff or something. Perhaps. And so I asked God if that was true... if I needed Him to do more in me before I was useful to Him.<br />
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And He brought to mind, Jonah. The man He used to save a great, evil city from destruction. It's pretty clear that Jonah had a LONG way to go when God used him to do that. The more I thought about it, the more amazed I was about the whole story. God chose to use a self-centered, proud, whiny, immature, want-the-comfortable-life guy(this description hits a little too close to home) to make HIS GLORY known. </div>
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Yes, He has a LOT more to do in me. And I'm certain He will for a long time. That's what made me excited when I remembered this:<br />
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"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.." Philippians 1:6<br />
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As I struggle(hopefully with my face turned upward to my Savior), to move these leaden feet forward in obedience.... I grab hold of these truths and cling for dear life.<br />
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And may I be honest? IT. SCARES. ME.</div>
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And I know why people don't talk about it. And I don't want to. But God is relentlessly laying it on my heart...and I have a lot of excuses and so many justifications but He says "obey Me". And this process of laying my life before Him and inviting Him to prune me- it. really. hurts.<br />
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If I've been asked to lay down anything, it has been and is pride.</div>
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And those people I run into, the ones I imagine talking about me and my messy life... God whispers,</div>
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"Forgive. Don't hold any grudge or resentment. My Spirit wants to FILL you and there is not room for a record of wrongs. And all that worldly logic of 'protecting' yourself- that's for the birds and when you are filled with Me and you love like Me- you. will. hurt. and it's messy and I will call you to lay down your pride time and again but this life I've given you isn't to make <i>you</i> look good --- it's about declaring MY goodness. <u>I gave </u><b><u>My Son</u></b> over to people who were spitting and jeering and mocking, because I <i>loved</i> them."</div>
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And He places His loved ones in my life who share this with me:</div>
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"Oh give thanks to the LORD , call upon His name; Make known is deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; Speak of all His wonders... Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day. Tell of His glory among the nations, His wonderful deeds among all the peoples. For great is the LORD and greatly to be praised..." 1 Chronicles 16:8-9, 23b-25a</div>
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This life is so messy. Isn't it? And yet, it's in this ugly disaster that <b>I've seen the LORD</b>. And how does one remain silent after <i>that???</i><br />
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"'Woe to me!' I cried. 'I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.'....Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" Isaiah 6:5,8<br />
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And it makes me wanna sing that song I used to giggle about... Yes Lord, Yes Lord. Yes, Yes Lord.<br />
But really....<br />
Lord, <i>YES</i>.</div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-86679109664697890932013-08-01T00:43:00.000-07:002013-08-01T00:43:30.611-07:00God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good."<i>I cast all my cares upon You...</i><br />
<i>I lay all of my burdens, down at Your Feet...</i><br />
<i>And when I don't know, what I should do...</i><br />
<i>I cast all of my cares upon You...</i>"<br />
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My precious, 4-year-old Payslie sang this all morning.<br />
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She blesses me.<br />
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Today I read an update on some answered prayers... "God is so good!!!" Indeed, He is. Yes, our God is so so good.<br />
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God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.<br />
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In every moment, every circumstance, every unknown.... the Jehovah God does not change. He is <i>always</i> GOOD.<br />
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And as hard as it is for me to accept and believe this: He uses every circumstance in my life for my good and His glory.<br />
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Isn't that awesome???<br />
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Today I choose to believe and declare that my God is GOOD.<br />
Today I choose to believe and trust that He uses all things for my good and for His glory.<br />
Today I choose to cast all my cares upon my Lord.<br />
Today, whatever is in front of me, I choose to sing hallelujah.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-51555191629862522202013-07-25T23:46:00.003-07:002013-07-25T23:46:51.602-07:00"Martha, Martha...only one thing is needed."A couple of mornings ago, I climbed into bed after Mercy's early morning feeding, anxious to get another hour or 2 of sleep before the older girls woke up.... and I felt a gentle tug in my soul.<br />
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"Come be with Me."<br />
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And I whined, "but I'm so tired"..... and I'm ashamed and my heart hurts that I didn't get out of bed. <br />
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Tonight I wept as the Lord brought this moment back to my mind. I had thought about it briefly that morning, as I stumbled, bleary-eyed and just as exhausted, out of bed about an hour and a half later to pour juice and turn on cartoons.<br />
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But you know what? I learned something tonight as I asked the Lord's forgiveness for not heeding His call.....<br />
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That morning... that gentle whisper against my soul.... it was an invitation to come into the Presence of the Most High God, not because <i>He</i> needs <i>me</i>, but because <i>I</i> need <i>Him</i>---- and He knows that. And somewhere in my pride and arrogance, I make spending time with my Lord about me and what I can offer Him or what I need to do in order to be pleasing to Him.<br />
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And I'm so wrong. Because it's not from my striving and trying and self-discipline and denying sleep and better time management that I somehow stumble upon becoming holy....<br />
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I think it's more like "you become like the One you spend time with"..... and His beckoning to me is an invitation to be loved on <i>by Him </i>and to be refreshed <i>in Him</i> and to be filled <i>with Him</i>.<br />
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And it's in the being with Him that the Spirt-fruit is produced in me..... that joy for the trials and that love for the unlovable and that peace for the unknown and that patience that is tested. and tested. and tested again.<br />
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And I weep... that I reject His love... and that I choose not to be the Mary at His feet and instead choose to be the complaining, "busy" Martha.<br />
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Yet... my Creator God and Savior King pursues the heart of this daughter of His who gets so distracted but who just desperately needs<i> HIM</i>. Even if the laundry piles up and the toys remain exploded and the bellies are filled with pb&j and crackers over and over.... these children will be much better off if this is the ONE thing that happens each day...<br />
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That the response to this wildly jealous invitation to be loved on and known by God would be answered with me getting out of bed and entering into that most Sacred Place... and finding the rest that I most need.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-22048436825200491472013-06-29T19:39:00.000-07:002013-06-29T19:39:11.432-07:00{Mercy} ElisabethMercy<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"><strong>:</strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"> a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;"><span class="ssens"></span></span>Elisabeth <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">: </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">"God's promise", "oath of God", or "I am God’s daughter</span>"</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
My precious daughter....<br />
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As soon as I was surprised that you were a girl, God whispered your name against my heart. I wrestled with it for awhile because I just wasn't sure it's what I wanted to name you. But every time that I tried to settle on something else, I was pulled back... to your so very special-to-me-name..... Mercy.<br />
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How God has used you even before you entered this world and breathed to fill your lungs for the first time.... it astounds me. Many times in my life I have doubted God's ways that are so higher than mine and when your coming was made known was another of those times.<br />
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Your life.... the anticipation of it.... has taught me much about the grace and mercy of our God. As I walked through my own sort of valley of the shadow, when grief over loss was all I could feel some days, there was YOU. A new seed.... sprouting and growing and living and moving.<br />
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"Forget the former things: do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Is. 43:18, 19<br />
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Dear one, as strange as this may seem, I do not wish for an easy life for you, void of heartache or suffering. The reason is this: Never have I known the Heart of our Jesus like I have in my loneliest, most painful moments. And my precious girl...it is SO worth it. There is nothing on this earth that can compare to experiencing Him. And above anything else, THAT is what I will pray for you. That you would know Him. That you would know because you have experienced His Presence when you are in your wilderness and in your valley of the shadow. And then, in those desperate moments, His grace and His mercy would rain down on you like new life.<br />
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<div class="poetry" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
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<span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">the feeling of hitting the bottom.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">But there’s one other thing I remember,</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-19-Lam-3-21" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" id="en-MSG-8689" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; left: -4.8em; line-height: normal; position: absolute; vertical-align: top;"></sup></span></div>
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<span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">God</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">They’re created new every morning.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">How great your faithfulness!</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">I’m sticking with </span></span><span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">God</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> (I say it over and over).</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-22-Lam-3-24" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">He’s all I’ve got left.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" id="en-MSG-8690" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; left: -4.8em; line-height: normal; position: absolute; vertical-align: top;"></sup></span></div>
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<span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">God</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">to the woman who diligently seeks.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">It’s a good thing to quietly hope,</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">quietly hope for help from </span></span><span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">God</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">It’s a good thing when you’re young</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-25-Lam-3-27" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">to stick it out through the hard times.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" id="en-MSG-8691" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; left: -4.8em; line-height: normal; position: absolute; vertical-align: top;"></sup></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">When life is heavy and hard to take,</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">go off by yourself. Enter the silence.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Wait for hope to appear.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-28-Lam-3-30" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">The “worst” is never the worst.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Why? Because the Master won’t ever</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-31-Lam-3-33" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">walk out and fail to return.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-31-Lam-3-33" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">If he works severely, he also works tenderly.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-31-Lam-3-33" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-31-Lam-3-33" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">He takes no pleasure in making life hard,</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></span><span class="text Lam-3-31-Lam-3-33" style="position: relative;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">in throwing roadblocks in the way: Lamentations 3:19-33 the Message</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This is the passage the Lord gave me for your name.... and so I will share it with you until you know it for yourself. His mercy is new every morning. He is ever so faithful. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And I have sweet YOU as a reminder of this truth...... and every time I speak your name, may I remember the goodness of my Lord.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I love you from the depths of my heart, my {Mercy} child....</span></span></div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-23624529750270957582013-06-05T23:06:00.003-07:002013-06-05T23:06:51.824-07:00Extreme Makeover: Heart EditionI love the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The stories grab my attention and my heart and I love watching the hope that families receive when they are given a gift so big and so beautiful.<br />
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And God has given me my own "Extreme Makeover". Only this one could be better defined as a "heart" edition and it doesn't come with a 7 day vacation to a Disney resort and I don't watch the demolition on a computer screen. I certainly didn't send in an application tape asking to be chosen for a major overhaul. I had no idea the desperate state my heart was really in. And it was the exposure of my husband's sin that God used to reveal to me my own.<br />
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Grievous sins... idolatry, self-rightousness, PRIDE.... oh that darn pride. Yet as the Lord started stripping away the things in my life that I held onto, things that in themselves were good, but that I had made into idols.... He became so very real to me.<br />
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My story goes a little more like this....<br />
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Jesus has lived in me for awhile, but there was a part of my heart that was shut off from Him. It was me who kept the door closed since no one else lives in the inner part of my being besides me and Him. His light seeps through the door on the sides and on the floor and it casts shadows around this room, but I really don't feel too comfortable looking around in here.<br />
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I don't know if I opened the door or if He knocked it down... I'm not sure it really matters. But suddenly He was there. And I was being held in His arms. Tenderly cradled as I wept over broken dreams and a shattered reality.<br />
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Then I looked around. The light had come in with His Presence and suddenly I felt naked and exposed. My first thought was to grab a bucket and a rag.... this place was filthy! I was so embarrassed and ashamed.<br />
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You know on the tv show how Ty will take the family around and ask about the house and their story and what's important to them? Sometimes I don't like watching that part. Most of time I just want to see the end. The pretty part, ya know? But I guess I don't know how they would get there if they don't start with what comes first. Or perhaps... that is part of what makes the end so beautiful. Is to see the "before" picture.<br />
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And that's what the Lord did with me. He walked with me inside my "home".... I told Him what was important to me. And we looked at some of the visible damage already done. I cried over the fact that I had no resources, ability, or talent to "fix" the place up on my own. He reminded me that He did. As He held me in His embrace, He invited me to trust Him to be the Architect, the Creative Designer, and the Builder.<br />
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The demolition process on the heart is brutal. At least for me, that has been and is the experience. I feel like even the things that I know don't look good, once God starts to tear it down, it gets so much worse! The wall with chipping paint.... as that was pulled back, God pointed out the black spots behind the sheet rock. I jumped up and said "I'll get the bleach spray" and He so gently said "Bryana.... that is toxic black mold. Bleach will not fix it. I need to replace this poisonous wall that is wreaking havoc on your health." The creaking floor? I learned that not all of my supporting beams were solid. There was dry-rot in my foundation and those beams needed to be replaced before the whole structure caved in. And that's what it's looked like and been like as God works in my heart and my life as I allow Him to.<br />
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So very painful. New, fresh air to breathe. More solid footing. Freeing, terrifying, surrendering, fighting, blessing.....<br />
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Oh, and how I look forward to the day when I get to shout, "MOVE THAT BUS!!" and my Glorious Creator reveals the beautiful tapestry He was weaving all along..... I imagine I will fall on my face in wonder at His Goodness and His Love.<br />
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In the meantime, as I am somewhere on the "7-day makeover process" that is more like a "lifetime process" in the heart edition.... I wake up daily and get to choose if I'll allow construction to move ahead. It's the choice to trust my Savior or not. To surrender to the Most High God or not. We ALL make the choice. Lord Jesus, help me to give a resounding "YES!" every, single morning.<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-11568091397698399712013-04-23T00:31:00.001-07:002013-04-23T00:31:55.385-07:00Beautiful ObedienceA few days ago, God revealed something to me. He showed me that I've lived trying to obey God because I feared what would happen if I didn't... feared disappointing Him or somehow "letting Him down". What I've found is that obedience with this root of motivation---fails miserably! At least, that's been the pattern for me.<br />
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Trying, trying, trying.... fear, fear, fear.<br />
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And I'm not talking about the kind of fear that is healthy and stems from an awe of our Maker and a belief in His Greatness and Power.<br />
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The kind that on a "good" day, had my ego inflated thinking I had it under control and as long as I could keep it up, I'd be okay..... But far more often had me defeated and discouraged, always afraid that I just wasn't good enough and if I could just try harder, be better, figure it out, pray more, have more self-control...<br />
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Pride.<br />
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I wanted it my way, on my own strength. I desperately fought for control and thought if I could just do things right, I'd get what I wanted.<br />
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Some days I can say that I'm grateful it hasn't turned out the way I'd always hoped. (other days.... well, I still have a ways to go)<br />
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The thing is, God loves me far more than I ever dared to dream. And WAY more than I ever grasped in Sunday school. There are just some things I never got... didn't understand. Or maybe didn't want to accept. But there is something about coming to the end of myself that has given me a dose of courage to dare to discover more.<br />
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And what if, I could obey God, the King of kings, my Creator...... simply because I trust Him?<br />
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God's goodness. His goodness to give me a glimpse of beauty amongst the ashes. Because this single truth is life-changing for me. It means freedom. Freedom to live in assurance of His promises despite my circumstances and freedom to claim the blessings of obedience that flow from a heart secure in the grip of the Almighty's Hand.<br />
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"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:19:21<br />
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<br />Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-89527056381345564462013-01-29T14:46:00.001-08:002013-01-29T14:46:08.833-08:00What do trust and dirty diapers have in common???<!--StartFragment-->
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This blog post may be offensive and too graphic for some
people, so if you have an issue with “potty talk”, I’m giving you fair warning
right now. Or you can judge away <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span> No matter.</div>
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I have entered into a stage with my 2<sup>nd</sup> child
that no human being ever wants to experience…. She has, not once, not twice,
but HANDFULS of times, taken a dirty diaper off herself and proceeded to try to
“clean herself up”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last
episode we experienced was when I found her doing her best to wipe herself up
with Q-tips! Which were being lovingly handed to her by her older sister.
Thankfully, (although I ask myself how I can use that word in this story) I
caught her before it had been spread far and was able to disinfect the area in
a relatively short amount of time. </div>
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The only reason I even dare share this story is because I
think that God has used it (I’m becoming convinced He really can use ANYTHING),
to reveal to me how I at times try to clean up my own crap in my life.(pun
totally intended and I thought about using a more “mild” or ladylike term but
nothing described it well enough so I called it what it is)</div>
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I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve hidden myself in
the corner of a room, attempted at using something that would not only take
forever, but even if it removed the visible stains, would leave behind an
untold amount of bacteria to infect everything around it and I’d say its not
out of the realm of imagination that a well-intentioned loved one has stood
nearby and sweetly done their best to “help” me.</div>
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I’ve told my precious child to “ask Mommy for help” and to
“wait for me” to clean her up. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever
learned about my Savior that has led me to believe that it’s my job to clean my
life up. Yet I’ve wrestled with this truth for a really long time. </div>
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While I hope that my daughter's habit to do this is just a passing phase, I think my issue stems from a lack of trusting God. It’s
embarrassing, really. I find it pretty easy to <i>say</i>, “I’m just trusting the Lord
with it all” or “God is in control and on His Throne” and lots of people I know talk like this too. I’ve witnessed His
Divine power and faithfulness in people’s lives around me. And I don’t think He
hasn’t done the same in my life…. I’m just beginning to wonder if I’ve ever
really given Him the credit in my heart. </div>
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It pains me to say that if God asked me, “Bryana, do you
trust Me with everything in your life, even the things your heart holds most
dear?”, the only honest answer I would have right now is…. “Not really, Lord. I
want to! Jesus, help my unbelief!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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And I hope that is the first step of faith for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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To admit that I lack faith. </div>
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And with a grateful heart, praise my Jesus for loving me
enough to show me that I do.</div>
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I don't know if anyone else wrestles with trusting God as much as I do, but if you do, I'll be praying for you as I fervently ask the Holy Spirit to continue to work this all out in my heart. And if you don't and you think about it, I would certainly appreciate any extra prayers on my behalf. </div>
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Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-57414853246098923442012-09-09T14:44:00.001-07:002012-09-09T14:44:59.429-07:00<div style="text-align: left;">
I'm going to share with you a story.... One that was written in a book I read by Beth Moore. If I didn't know better, I would think she wrote it just for me. It is a true story.</div>
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Once upon a time there was an unhappy couple. She said it was because they were so mismatched. She married beneath herself. In actuality, they were not altogether different. After all, the reality is that baggage attracts baggage. One set may have looked more like a brown paper sack and the other like fine, leather Gucci, but it's all baggage.</div>
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She kept a cold heart toward him because she knew he had to be bad. Somewhere deep inside of her it was the very thing that had first attracted her, but she would never admit to such a thing. Yes, she knew he had to be bad. And just as she suspected, he was. His sins were many and grievous by anyone's standards. Terrible and as broad in consequence as a thundering black horizon. She caught him in his sin, and shame reverberated throughout the broken family. </div>
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He fell on his knees in repentance and begged God to save his life and spare his family. He did. Though the change in the man was obvious, some things never changed. She held on to her cold heart and wore her unforgiveness like a corsage of dead roses. It was her badge of honor to remind her children she would never forgive. She said it was for their sake. </div>
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He took his punishment for years, as did the children. If she had only known that the effects of her coldness, self-righteousness, and perpetual punishment were just as devastating to their trembling home as were his terrible sins.</div>
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One day she died. The chains of bondage draped a body that had finally turned as cold as her heart. The last remaining blackened petals on her corsage of dead roses fell to the floor. She died in her bitterness.</div>
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He grieved for awhile and strangely would have had her back- if he could have.</div>
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Then God did a most peculiar thing. In the man's aging years- years spent feeding hungry people and ministering to any who would have him- God brought him another mate. One whose heart was warm with affection. God blessed the latter years of the old man's life with joy and usefulness- yes, even after grievous sins.</div>
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His wife of many years never committed any such sins, yet she drowned in the gall of her own </div>
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self-righteousness- proud to the very last breath that she had never sinned against her family like he.</div>
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And he? Well. He lived happily ever after.</div>
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Powerful story, right? I pray that it speaks to your heart the way it has mine.... As I hear God calling me and asking me to lay my "Gucci" baggage at the foot of His cross, I have come face to face with who my Jesus is.... and what GRACE really does. Thank You, Lord for Your unending, immeasurable love for this daughter of Yours. The last thing I want is to die a bitter woman who You do not know and who never really knew You.</div>
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So in case you ever hear a story about a strange girl who sobbed uncontrollably on a United Airlines flight while reading a book..... it was Me. And this story still moves me to tears every time I read it.</div>
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Lesson #1: Happily ever after happens in the FREEDOM of life in CHRIST.</div>
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Lesson #2: Don't read a Beth Moore book on a plane. (on second thought, DO. it feels pretty good to not care a whit about what people think of you!) </div>
Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-59169288529595168702012-05-04T21:30:00.000-07:002012-05-04T21:30:10.936-07:00Some random pictures....I found a couple more pictures from the b-day celebration that I thought I would share, so here they are: <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x_DTCJhZxG4/T6Sk_NzaYWI/AAAAAAAAAIs/lalABE5hxyg/s1600/030.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" mea="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x_DTCJhZxG4/T6Sk_NzaYWI/AAAAAAAAAIs/lalABE5hxyg/s320/030.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Payslie and I had a tea party..... She got to eat a little bit of cake....</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nFvltU76WP4/T6Sk6hPSXYI/AAAAAAAAAIk/ukSCK6yQnRw/s1600/032.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" mea="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nFvltU76WP4/T6Sk6hPSXYI/AAAAAAAAAIk/ukSCK6yQnRw/s320/032.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what I was given. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fOmz40u7HUM/T6SmecBEbYI/AAAAAAAAAKE/SEOKnbnIPoY/s1600/005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" mea="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fOmz40u7HUM/T6SmecBEbYI/AAAAAAAAAKE/SEOKnbnIPoY/s320/005.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Adorable Deux Lux wallet from my mom... LOVE!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">quote on my birthday... love it. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the finished product of the bday pedicure... on date night :)</td></tr>
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We went to the horse races at Keeneland last week... the girls loved watching the horses! </div>
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I made rice krispy treats the other night...... this was my second attempt at doing them by myself... the first was a disaster. Sounds crazy, right? How can you mess up rice krispy treat??? Well let me tell you. You can. By dumping the WHOLE box of cereal in your marshmellow mixture that was only supposed to take about 5 cups(less than half the box). And then trying to "add" more marshmellow mix. Didn't work. But this time.... perfection. :) with sprinkles. (channeling our inner-"Fancy Nancy") And so I've decided. Sprinkles can go on everything. And it's better that way. In our house, we add sprinkles to: rice krispy treats, vanilla yogurt(it makes it "just like orangeleaf"), applesauce, pb&j.... for special occasions, you know???</div>
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<br />We had a pig-tail day because Felicity's hair fits in piggies now!!!<br />
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We love our hang-out buddies! It is chaotic and crazy and lots of fun!:)</div>
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You know those days when you see something that your kids are doing and you think, "Gross!.... I better take a picture!"???? Today we had a moment. Payslie and Felicity were "taking a nap" on the DIRTY kitchen floor, UNDERNEATH the DIRTY kitchen rugs, ON the couch PILLOWS. That's the sort of stuff that happens when Mom has to be on the phone for way to long with the water company. <br />
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</div>Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316672421744146714.post-38609473537158159582012-04-26T21:53:00.000-07:002012-04-26T22:02:07.458-07:00Birthday Love....<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
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I LOVE birthdays. Actually, I love all occasions that call for a celebration. Oh, and all those showers that most people dread going to??? Love those too. Favorite part??? Present part. I love watching people open presents. Love giving them..... and oh yes, I most definitely enjoy getting them.<br />
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Gift giving and getting is my primary language of l-o-v-e. There is just something about it.... it's like a tangible thing that says "I was thinking of you". Seriously, I can remember who most of our wedding gifts are from.... still remember the year I turned 11 and got an inflatable chair, the Christmas I got a lime green phone for my room, the year we discovered the dollar store and bought my mom every little snowman figurine they had for Christmas.... such sweet and treasured memories of mine. And you know what I remember about those days? the way I felt. the excitement<span style="font-size: x-small;">(yes, always lots of screaming and squealing from me).... </span>the anticipation... the surprise. I just LOVE IT!!!<br />
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Today I turned 24 years old.</div>
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It was the best day. A friend generously watched the girls for me so I could go get a pedicure and it felt. so. good. I arrived home and received the first surprise package of the day... a dozen roses from my love. Second surprise package arrived by what I am calling---- "the guy with the awesome black bag". The first one brought 6 delectable cupcakes from GIGIs cupcakes(which are the world's- yes, <em>world's</em>- best cupcakes).... Second "guy with the awesome black bag" brought me my favorite meal from Chili's..... cajun chicken pasta, chips and queso.... and I didn't have to make dinner. Heck to the yes.</div>
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Seriously, so spoiled, right??? You know those moments when you feel wrapped up in a hug even when you are all by yourself?? That's how I felt today. Days filled with memories are always the days that make me feel extra homesick.... but by the end of today... I just felt.........................</div>
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Special. </div>
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And loved. </div>
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It really was the best day.</div>
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Oh.... and just in case you didn't know, MY HUSBAND IS AWESOME. Look what he spoiled me with!!! Gorgeous, huh?!?! LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aKu28RZc0HE/T5oHEmvFvlI/AAAAAAAAAGw/YlaIdoAEef8/s1600/109503189-260x260-0-0_fossil+fossil+stella+stainless+steel+watch+silver+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" oda="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aKu28RZc0HE/T5oHEmvFvlI/AAAAAAAAAGw/YlaIdoAEef8/s1600/109503189-260x260-0-0_fossil+fossil+stella+stainless+steel+watch+silver+.jpg" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vncYXYspuqY/T5oHCc6dnVI/AAAAAAAAAGo/pFqoC__G6Ys/s1600/Juicy-Couture-Palms-Spring-Party-Daydreamer-Satchel-Handbag_41931_front_large_0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" oda="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vncYXYspuqY/T5oHCc6dnVI/AAAAAAAAAGo/pFqoC__G6Ys/s1600/Juicy-Couture-Palms-Spring-Party-Daydreamer-Satchel-Handbag_41931_front_large_0.jpg" /></a></div>Bryanahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09562168611584492476noreply@blogger.com2