Celebrating a Miracle-filled Year.

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs on out me... And I don't ever have to be afraid, cuz this one thing remains : Your love never fails."

Sitting here this morning with a cup of coffee and listening to ^that^ song on Pandora. And I've got a smile on my face.

So I don't know if this is an actual thing or not, but once someone said that the birthday when your age matches the number of your birthdate, is called your 'golden' birthday. I specifically remember because I was 10 at the time and my friend was having her 'golden' birthday turning 11 and I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't fair that I had to wait all-the-whole-long-lifetime until I actually turned the ripe old age of 26.

And here it is.

Wish I could tell that 10 year old me that 26 is hardly the antique age I thought it must be.

Anyways... I've been thinking this past week about the last year and all the ways that God has loved me to Himself and the treasures He has given me in revealing His heart toward me and for me. And I've had an overwhelming sense that my 25th year of life has been a year of MIRACLES.

I was just reading my journal from one year ago and remembering how deeply I was struggling with surrendering to God's desire for me. His desire that I trust Him. I was scared of the future and what God  would ask me to walk through and I was terrified of the pain that would accompany that. I had my list of "worst-case scenarios" and all of them, in my mind, couldn't possibly be God's best for me. My fear was that God might actually allow those things to happen because they were apart of His 'Great Big Peferct Will for the World' but that I would get lost in the 'grand scheme of things' and I would be left wounded, bleeding, and forgotten.

And if someone had tried to tell me that I would learn to trust my Savior's heart through the very thing I claimed that I could never do... well, I just wouldn't have believed it.

So, when the past year brought a season of solo-parenting, I learned that I was right. I couldn't do it. Not on my own. But with Christ as my strength, my rock, and my stronghold, I learned that I could trust Him to meet me at my limits and when I couldn't continue another second, somehow I made it one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more week. And although at one time I thought I could get this parenting thing licked, I now realize that even in a two-parent home, I don't have enough and can't be enough to do this thing without Jesus. (heck, there could be a dozen parents working together and I'd still be a wreck.)

So the miracle? In what I deemed would not and could not be loving of God to ask of me, He worked in my heart and through my circumstances to make me a better mom. He took the realities of my loneliness, my exhaustion, my 'at-the-end-of-my-too-short-rope' feelings and drew me to Himself and to dependence on Him and His grace. I love my daughters more deeply now that I have seen that my flesh's weakness doesn't have to mean guilt or defeat in child-raising but has birthed a path to victory through humbling mothering my daughters, not in perfection, but in His power.

In addition to being terrified to parenting alone, I had a gripping fear of loneliness. The thing is, I've experienced this lonely feeling for most of my life, even when in the midst of a crowd of people. And maybe I thought that it would swallow me if I found myself literally alone for an extended amount of time. (of course, there were usually 3 little ones around, but I think you get my point.)

So naturally, when I felt the Lord leading my to sit in my 'aloneness' and not fill it with social media, television, food, girls nights 3 times a week, and whatever else I could schedule, I. DID. NOT. LIKE. IT. But God had something for me there too. In the quiet and in that pain, He met me in a way I'd never known Him truly before. I met Him as Friend and as Husband. And I experienced the miracle He had for me when I let HIM complete me. And He makes me full and so very satisfied.

And of course there are the anonymous gift cards that allowed me to buy Christmas gifts, and the garage sale money that seriously, I'm postitive mulitplied like the loaves and fish, and healed family relationships, and friendships that are the most real I've ever experienced, and provided vehicles and housing, and support from so very many people.

And OH YEAH. THIS----

Yep. I'm telling you.... it's been the year of MIRACLES for me.

And He gives beyond which I could ever imagine.

"And they who know Your Name [who have experience and acquaintance with Your mercy] will lean on and confidently put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek [inquire of and for] You. [on the authority of God's Word and the right of their necessity]" Psalm 9:10AMP

Confessions of a Food Addict.

It's been about a month since the Lord told me to write this. Yes, that is what you call delayed obedience (or rather, disobedience). But I really haven't had the words until tonight so maybe I've actually just been waiting on Him.

I'm a food addict. {one who seriously can't believe I'm writing this... on the freaking internet.}

Eight weeks ago I asked for some accountablity and some help to start eating more nutritiously and living healthier. Honestly, I thought if I just acknowlged that I had an 'issue' and told someone, that it would get easier and I wouldn't be so quick to indulge myself. And at this point, I really had myself believing it was just an issue of not eating healthy.

That was a BIG FAT LIE. The next 3 weeks were some of the worst 'acting out' of my life. The chains of bondage felt like they were choking the life out of me. I was completely powerless against whatever whim I found my flesh desiring.... engaing in the sin of gluttony completely willingly and without hesitation.

As more days passed with my 'trying' and failing and failing again.... I started feeling so completely defeated. I am disgusted with my lack of self-disipline and lack of self-control.... and my still-present struggle to believe that my Jesus can meet and satisfy ALL of my desires.

So then, a little over 4 weeks ago, I reached out for a prayer intervention and confessed my ongoing sin of gluttony. And it's been pretty up-and-down since then.

And I know the Lord is really trying to get my attention. And I want to want(yes that stutter was intentional) Him enough that I keep asking Him to not give up until I give in. 

And for real. I WANT to hunger and thirst for Him more than a warm maple bar and a cold diet dr. pepper. But the truth is that I settle for what tastes good on my tongue and deny His power to change my heart. The reality of this frustrates and grieves me. And it's not just food. It's Facebook, and television, and social time, and candy crush, and crafts and it goes on because there are so many things that I say 'yes' to in order to satisfy when it's HIM that I'm so desperate for! 

And I'm sick and tired of wanting 'comfort' more than wanting the Comforter.

So here is the deal: I'm making some changes and I'm gonna beg God to change my heart as I do. Because I really don't want to change anything. I don't want to say no to myself or deny myself. And that scares the hell out of me. [that's supposed to be a metaphor, not a curse word... but I feel like such a rebel typing that.] Right now, I'm studying Jesus' message to the Church in Revelation and I feel the holy fire of conviction and the need to repent! And contrary to what I used to think 'repent' means, it's more than telling the Lord "I'm sorry".... it's actually changing!!!!

Tonight, I took another step forward in this "change". And I'm hesitantly excited about it.

I'm going to be working on 'eating responsibly' and doing some intentional exercise. And the Lord also convicted me about this tonight: I'm going to stop complaining about my body and making jokes about my addiction to food. Because the truth is that it's not funny. It's idolatry and it shouldn't be taken lightly. And I've spent far too much time justifying and excusing my sin.

So... out of all of the things that I've shared on here, this is possibly the most difficult. This is ugly truth.   And it's MY ugly truth. I'm so thankful that Jesus has shown me the miracles He can work with ugly. I'm choosing to trust that He can do the same with this. 

Here's to FREEDOM. *cheers*

A Word for the Lonely on Valentine's Day.

Sometimes there are certain days that ache more. Days that mark milestones and days that hold special meaning.... birthdays and holidays and anniversaries.... 

So Valentine's Day is upon us... and maybe you feel an ache. Maybe things aren't the way you wish they were or maybe there is a certain way you imagine the day and you know once again that you will most likely be disappointed. 

Maybe you don't currently have a significant other and this day magnifies that reality and you wonder when it'll be your turn and you kinda(just a little bit) want to throw up in your mouth at all the ooey-gooey mushy pictures and phrases and reminders of what you don't have.

Or maybe you have your 'valentine' but there's hurt or distance or regret and when you think of celebrating you feel a little.... bleh. And maybe this 'day of love' holds painful memories that you just can't quite get over or good ones that the 'now' can't measure up to.

Maybe you wonder how he doesn't know which are your favorite flowers or your choice chocolates or the fact that you'd rather get a pedicure then add inches to your waistline or you feel like you should have it all and then some for the birthing of the babies and the washing of the underwear and the cooking of the meals. 

And maybe with all the hoopla surrounding this commercialized day that awakens desires for romance and whirlwind and fairy tales and all that jazz.... maybe you feel really lonely.

I sure can.

And maybe not... maybe things for you are great, but maybe you want to dare to ask for more than just candlelight and candy and ridiculously expensive cards. 

Now, Valentine's day may just be a modern excuse for a bunch of people to make more money and for an extra pinterest board and a whole lot of stress for moms and males alike....But what if we took this day and celebrated the Love that loved us so extravagantly that He came and died and lives so we can know this LOVE???

"The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:8-10

What if we asked Him to open our hearts so that we'd fall deeper and deeper into a wildly adventurous love affair with Him?

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

What if we let Him pull us close into His tender embrace and bask in the comfort that He offers?

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What if we sit adoringly at His feet and let Him delight fully in us and listen as He joyfully sings over us?

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

What if we stare long into the eyes our Bridegroom.... finding safety in the intimacy of being completely known and completely loved....

"I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep." John 10:14-15

"O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it." Psalm 139:1-6

The God who hears us, Who sees us, Who created that very flower we enjoy so much.

The God who doesn't forsake, never abandons, cannot betray....Who is gentle and patient and kind.

The God who gives Light to our darkness, strength to our weakness,  redeems all of our failings, and satisfies all of our desires.

Oh friends, when we stop and meditate on how He loves us... surely there will never be a Valentine's day romantic to-do that will ever beat that.

Felicity is 3. {belated b-day update}

The intention of this blog originally was to catalog the growing up of my kiddos. Hasn't happened that way and I'm totally okay with that, but got to thinking that perhaps I could manage an annual 'update' on birthdays as to who my little humans are so that I don't forget. Because I realize that I do, for these moments are passing so quickly. And this way, maybe you can get a couple of chuckles and I can get a couple of prayers when I share this little booger-pill that I love so much with you. However, this post is a day shy of one month late. But whatevs.

This girl. She keeps me laughing and praying and pulling my hair out. She is a big-drama-mama and I'm sure sometimes our neighbors wonder how one child can make so much noise. Because the truth is that a cry about an unkind word or an unshared toy sounds pretty much the exact same as a life-threatening injury. And the rate at which it can turn off and on is next to the speed of light. 

But, as she grows and I'm confronted with learning to parent one who has some mad skills of manipulation, there some things that are frighteningly close to the person I see in the mirror. {probably that big-drama-mama stuff. *sigh*}

I'll share some fun things this girl does that I love and some things we are working on in a letter to her from me that I look forward to sharing with her as she grows up.

My dear Felicity Noel,

What love I have for you... and how much fun I have had being your mommy and watching you grow this year into a 'big 3 year old girl'. This year, you learned to share a room with your big sister and let's be honest... It was rough, huh? It took quite some time to learn to stay in your bed instead of joining Payslie(awake or not) to chat it up for hours. I think we are both glad that you are doing better with that.

One of my favorite things this year has been watching you become a big sister... what a great one you are! From the time Mercy was born, any cry she made had you running to her side to sing her "You are My Sunshine". You just loved when she would stop fussing so that she could listen to your singing. Now that she is getting older and crawling around, you are very serious about picking up EVERYTHING so that it is safely out-of-reach of her exploring grip. 

I'm pretty sure that there is a little ballerina just waiting to burst out of you because I've never met a girl who loved to twirl as much as you do. Dress-up is a favorite of yours along with any skirt that is a 'twirler'. And those little black flats that are so beat up they look like they belong in the garbage? you love those things... your 'tip-toe shoes'. 

                                    

You love playing Doctor and your name is always Dr. Molly. You LOVE digging in the dirt and taking care of babies which you affectionately call your 'honeys'. 

You are a pretty good little eater except for the fact that you won't eat PB&J. You're 3.. what's up with that?? oh, and potatoes. (except I can't blame you there.)

You don't like shadows or bugs(of any sort). You love books, especially the look-n-finds. You also like to color... however, you really aren't very trustworthy when it comes to keeping crayons, markers, or pens on paper only.

Not sure where you got this;), but you have a knack for debate and are a natural negotiator. I think this spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

You have an exuberant zest for life... as we work on self-control, I pray I never squash this in you. I love your excitement. You live entirely in the moment, abandoned to whatever it is that you are feeling right then... good or bad. Sometimes, I see that glint of a rebel in your eyes. I think you like rocking the boat a bit.(or a lot.) And you know what? I think if we ask Jesus for His help, that can be a really good thing. Because you know who else rocked the boat? Jesus did. And I want you to be like Him. Remember that special night this year? when you asked Jesus to come live in your heart so you could be with Him forever? I'm telling you, girl of mine, He is always faithful. He is gonna teach us how to channel that spontaneity and spunk for good stuff!

    

I can't believe it's been 3 years(and some days) since my world was blessed with all the laughter you brought into it. I'm so very thankful for you, my precious one. 

                                     

You're Invited.

"Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear; but certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer nor His lovingkindness from me." Psalm 66:16:-20

I've been chewing on this for awhile now. A couple of months ago, I had an incredible experience with Jesus. I sat down to plunk my thoughts out here... but God said to wait. I wondered at that and then in the last several weeks I've wrestled hard again with fear and doubt. So I'm thinking that God's timing may have been for me to embrace this dare-prayer in the middle of this struggle... and invite you to join.

A little over a year ago, I started asking God to increase my faith. And it wasn't like a "Please give me more faith, Lord" in a sweet, timid voice just because I thought it'd be cool.

No. It was an agonizing, pleading cry for faith because it was like I woke up and realized that I did not believe everything that I said I did. I was smack dab in the center of a faith crisis and it was gonna go one way or the other and I.was.terrified.

At the time, everything in my life was in complete upheaval and I'm crazy enough to know that God took me to that place so I would see how pathetically weak my faith was. I thought about that parable about faith the size of a mustard seed and I took my tiny grain of faith, just enough to ask for more, and I dared to tell my mountain of unbelief to move.

Over the next several months, God started revealing things to me about myself but more importantly, He revealed things about HIMSELF to me. And it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I actually looked back.... and I was astounded at what I saw.

Mount Unbelief had been thrown into the sea.

And this brings me to a couple of months ago. Late on a Monday night... in the car... for the first time ever, I understood and believed that God.Is.Enough.

And it's not a "I've learned how to go without the worldly things of this world and I'm not selfish anymore and that's why Jesus is enough for me because I don't want any of this other stuff anymore" and that load of bull that Jesus being enough is some sort of spartan existence...

No! It's the complete opposite.... That moment, the one that I realized for the first time that I believed and I mean truly believed that God is enough for me.... I've never felt so... FULL. Full to gushing like it was gonna just spill all over everything and anything and no matter what happens in this life... HE IS ENOUGH and then some.

God had answered me...

"In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You, for You will answer me." Ps. 86:7

"The humble have seen it and are glad; you who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise His who are prisoners." Ps. 69:32-33

"This poor man[woman] cried, and the LORD heard him[her] and saved him[her] out of all of his[her] troubles." Ps. 34:6

That moment.... it was a precious Grace gift from my Jesus. A moment when that which my head knew to be true and my mouth declared to be Truth, connected with my heart and I could hardly breathe from the weight of the blessing of it all.

And I have to tell you because well, first of all, it's awesome! but mostly because if you haven't experienced that for yourself.... you just have to! You can't miss out on that... seriously, don't miss it.

And if any part of you wants it, (I know I want more!) then take this dare with me:

Invite God to wreck your life.

To wreck the way we think things should be... to break attachments to anything other than His Heart...to bust out of the limits that we so foolishly place on Him.

Can't wait to see what He does.

McDonald's: My Momma Fears Revealed.

It happened in a split-second.... I had just turned to grab a diaper and there she rolled. Off of the bench and onto the ground (tile-ground. In McDonalds. Hard, germy ground!).

A traumatic-first for me to be sure, but not the first time that a baby has rolled off of whatever thanks to the carelessness of a within-reach-parent. And she is perfectly fine although I'm still kinda not. In the moment, it seemed to magnify and confirm a deep-rooted fear...

As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.

The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.

And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.

The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.

It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes. 

And my prayer on these hard days, days when I battle hard with self-doubt, when the list of the virtuous woman just seems so far out of reach.... I search and pray for this:

"But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30b and may that lead to "Her children rise up and bless her" Proverbs 31:28a.

and might that be enough.

2014's New Year's {not-so-resolute} Resolution.

New Year's came and went... I didn't really resolve to do anything. But it's still January and I decided a new resolution really can come at any time so I won't allow my procrastination to once again win.

Maybe better late than never can be true for this too. 

So, I've been thinking about it. Because although I could easily come up with some things that I "should" be resolute about (ie. lose baby weight-or whatever "weight" it is-, make more healthy meals, exercise, read more stories to the kids, etc...) I know that the sad, bottom-line is that I simply lack much commitment to making these things happen and I would probably end up on the list of people who give up on their resolutions about week 3 of 2014. 

It may turn out that I still completely fail at my "resolution" which I am going to categorize as more of a "goal" (because I can certainly handle making more of those in my life).... but I decided that I would make it about something that I actually have some passion for (and clearly health is not one of those things at this point in my life according to the previous, embarrassing admission about no commitment to any such things).

So, I've decided that I am going to blog once a week. This is extremely daunting since I am one of the most sporadic bloggers that ever did live. Nevertheless, I'm gonna give it a go.

Happy Blogging Year :)