Beautiful Obedience

A few days ago, God revealed something to me. He showed me that I've lived trying to obey God because I feared what would happen if I didn't... feared disappointing Him or somehow "letting Him down". What I've found is that obedience with this root of motivation---fails miserably! At least, that's been the pattern for me.

Trying, trying, trying.... fear, fear, fear.

And I'm not talking about the kind of fear that is healthy and stems from an awe of our Maker and a belief in His Greatness and Power.

The kind that on a "good" day, had my ego inflated thinking I had it under control and as long as I could keep it up, I'd be okay..... But far more often had me defeated and discouraged, always afraid that I just wasn't good enough and if I could just try harder, be better, figure it out, pray more, have more self-control...

Pride.

I wanted it my way, on my own strength. I desperately fought for control and thought if I could just do things right, I'd get what I wanted.

Some days I can say that I'm grateful it hasn't turned out the way I'd always hoped. (other days.... well, I still have a ways to go)

The thing is, God loves me far more than I ever dared to dream. And WAY more than I ever grasped in Sunday school. There are just some things I never got... didn't understand. Or maybe didn't want to accept. But there is something about coming to the end of myself that has given me a dose of courage to dare to discover more.


And what if, I could obey God, the King of kings, my Creator...... simply because I trust Him?

God's goodness. His goodness to give me a glimpse of beauty amongst the ashes. Because this single truth is life-changing for me. It means freedom. Freedom to live in assurance of His promises despite my circumstances and freedom to claim the blessings of obedience that flow from a heart secure in the grip of the Almighty's Hand.

"O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:19:21

What do trust and dirty diapers have in common???

This blog post may be offensive and too graphic for some people, so if you have an issue with “potty talk”, I’m giving you fair warning right now. Or you can judge away J No matter.

I have entered into a stage with my 2^nd child that no human being ever wants to experience…. She has, not once, not twice, but HANDFULS of times, taken a dirty diaper off herself and proceeded to try to “clean herself up”.  The last episode we experienced was when I found her doing her best to wipe herself up with Q-tips! Which were being lovingly handed to her by her older sister. Thankfully, (although I ask myself how I can use that word in this story) I caught her before it had been spread far and was able to disinfect the area in a relatively short amount of time.

The only reason I even dare share this story is because I think that God has used it (I’m becoming convinced He really can use ANYTHING), to reveal to me how I at times try to clean up my own crap in my life.(pun totally intended and I thought about using a more “mild” or ladylike term but nothing described it well enough so I called it what it is)

I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve hidden myself in the corner of a room, attempted at using something that would not only take forever, but even if it removed the visible stains, would leave behind an untold amount of bacteria to infect everything around it and I’d say its not out of the realm of imagination that a well-intentioned loved one has stood nearby and sweetly done their best to “help” me.

I’ve told my precious child to “ask Mommy for help” and to “wait for me” to clean her up. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever learned about my Savior that has led me to believe that it’s my job to clean my life up. Yet I’ve wrestled with this truth for a really long time.

While I hope that my daughter's habit to do this is just a passing phase, I think my issue stems from a lack of trusting God. It’s embarrassing, really. I find it pretty easy to say, “I’m just trusting the Lord with it all” or “God is in control and on His Throne” and lots of people I know talk like this too. I’ve witnessed His Divine power and faithfulness in people’s lives around me. And I don’t think He hasn’t done the same in my life…. I’m just beginning to wonder if I’ve ever really given Him the credit in my heart.

It pains me to say that if God asked me, “Bryana, do you trust Me with everything in your life, even the things your heart holds most dear?”, the only honest answer I would have right now is…. “Not really, Lord. I want to! Jesus, help my unbelief!” 

And I hope that is the first step of faith for me. 

To admit that I lack faith.

And with a grateful heart, praise my Jesus for loving me enough to show me that I do.

I don't know if anyone else wrestles with trusting God as much as I do, but if you do, I'll be praying for you as I fervently ask the Holy Spirit to continue to work this all out in my heart. And if you don't and you think about it, I would certainly appreciate any extra prayers on my behalf. 

I'm going to share with you a story.... One that was written in a book I read by Beth Moore. If I didn't know better, I would think she wrote it just for me. It is a true story.

Once upon a time there was an unhappy couple. She said it was because they were so mismatched. She married beneath herself. In actuality, they were not altogether different. After all, the reality is that baggage attracts baggage. One set may have looked more like a brown paper sack and the other like fine, leather Gucci, but it's all baggage.

She kept a cold heart toward him because she knew he had to be bad. Somewhere deep inside of her it was the very thing that had first attracted her, but she would never admit to such a thing. Yes, she knew he had to be bad. And just as she suspected, he was. His sins were many and grievous by anyone's standards. Terrible and as broad in consequence as a thundering black horizon. She caught him in his sin, and shame reverberated throughout the broken family. 

He fell on his knees in repentance and begged God to save his life and spare his family. He did. Though the change in the man was obvious, some things never changed. She held on to her cold heart and wore her unforgiveness like a corsage of dead roses. It was her badge of honor to remind her children she would never forgive. She said it was for their sake. 

He took his punishment for years, as did the children. If she had only known that the effects of her coldness, self-righteousness, and perpetual punishment were just as devastating to their trembling home as were his terrible sins.

One day she died. The chains of bondage draped a body that had finally turned as cold as her heart. The last remaining blackened petals on her corsage of dead roses fell to the floor. She died in her bitterness.

 He grieved for awhile and strangely would have had her back- if he could have.

Then God did a most peculiar thing. In the man's aging years- years spent feeding hungry people and ministering to any who would have him- God brought him another mate. One whose heart was warm with affection. God blessed the latter years of the old man's life with joy and usefulness- yes, even after grievous sins.

His wife of many years never committed any such sins, yet she drowned in the gall of her own 

self-righteousness- proud to the very last breath that she had never sinned against her family like he.

And he? Well. He lived happily ever after.

Powerful story, right? I pray that it speaks to your heart the way it has mine.... As I hear God calling me and asking me to lay my "Gucci" baggage at the foot of His cross, I have come face to face with who my Jesus is.... and what GRACE really does. Thank You, Lord for Your unending, immeasurable love for this daughter of Yours. The last thing I want is to die a bitter woman who You do not know and who never really knew You.

So in case you ever hear a story about a strange girl who sobbed uncontrollably on a United Airlines flight while reading a book..... it was Me. And this story still moves me to tears every time I read it.

Lesson #1: Happily ever after happens in the FREEDOM of life in CHRIST.

Lesson #2: Don't read a Beth Moore book on a plane. (on second thought, DO. it feels pretty good to not care a whit about what people think of you!) 

Some random pictures....

I found a couple more pictures from the b-day celebration that I thought I would share, so here they are:

Payslie and I had a tea party..... She got to eat a little bit of cake....

This is what I was given.

Adorable Deux Lux wallet from my mom... LOVE!

quote on my birthday... love it.

the finished product of the bday pedicure... on date night :)

We went to the horse races at Keeneland last week... the girls loved watching the horses! 

I made rice krispy treats the other night...... this was my second attempt at doing them by myself... the first was a disaster. Sounds crazy, right? How can you mess up rice krispy treat??? Well let me tell you. You can. By dumping the WHOLE box of cereal in your marshmellow mixture that was only supposed to take about 5 cups(less than half the box). And then trying to "add" more marshmellow mix. Didn't work. But this time.... perfection. :) with sprinkles. (channeling our inner-"Fancy Nancy") And so I've decided. Sprinkles can go on everything. And it's better that way. In our house, we add sprinkles to: rice krispy treats, vanilla yogurt(it makes it "just like orangeleaf"), applesauce, pb&j.... for special occasions, you know???

We had a pig-tail day because Felicity's hair fits in piggies now!!!

We love our hang-out buddies! It is chaotic and crazy and lots of fun!:)

You know those days when you see something that your kids are doing and you think, "Gross!.... I better take a picture!"???? Today we had a moment. Payslie and Felicity were "taking a nap" on the DIRTY kitchen floor, UNDERNEATH the DIRTY kitchen rugs, ON the couch PILLOWS. That's the sort of stuff that happens when Mom has to be on the phone for way to long with the water company.



Birthday Love....

I LOVE birthdays. Actually, I love all occasions that call for a celebration. Oh, and all those showers that most people dread going to??? Love those too. Favorite part??? Present part. I love watching people open presents. Love giving them..... and oh yes, I most definitely enjoy getting them.

Gift giving and getting is my primary language of l-o-v-e. There is just something about it.... it's like a tangible thing that says "I was thinking of you". Seriously, I can remember who most of our wedding gifts are from.... still remember the year I turned 11 and got an inflatable chair, the Christmas I got a lime green phone for my room, the year we discovered the dollar store and bought my mom every little snowman figurine they had for Christmas.... such sweet and treasured memories of mine. And you know what I remember about those days? the way I felt. the excitement(yes, always lots of screaming and squealing from me).... the anticipation... the surprise. I just LOVE IT!!!



Today I turned 24 years old.

It was the best day. A friend generously watched the girls for me so I could go get a pedicure and it felt. so. good. I arrived home and received the first surprise package of the day... a dozen roses from my love. Second surprise package arrived by what I am calling---- "the guy with the awesome black bag". The first one brought 6 delectable cupcakes from GIGIs cupcakes(which are the world's- yes, world's- best cupcakes).... Second "guy with the awesome black bag" brought me my favorite meal from Chili's..... cajun chicken pasta, chips and queso.... and I didn't have to make dinner. Heck to the yes.

Seriously, so spoiled, right??? You know those moments when you feel wrapped up in a hug even when you are all by yourself?? That's how I felt today. Days filled with memories are always the days that make me feel extra homesick.... but by the end of today... I just felt.........................

Special.

And loved.

It really was the best day.

Oh.... and just in case you didn't know, MY HUSBAND IS AWESOME. Look what he spoiled me with!!! Gorgeous, huh?!?! LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. 

Doctor, Shoes, Fits, and TREASURE!!!!

Monday morning started out with a trip to the new doctor and a surprise of 3 shots for BOTH girls... now I knew that we needed shots, but I didn't think they would do them in that visit. Thankfully, there were helpful nurses on hand to help me with my full hands.

Yesterday, we took a trip with some friends to the Zappos outlet..(cool, right?? I didn't even know there was one!!) However, when we got there... it was closed. for a "team outing". after we drove an hour and a half. I. WAS. SO. DISSAPOINTED.

I realized recently that I have made a big mistake a few times while out in public with the girls... given in after I said no to something. UGH. So today we had the queen of all fits while at Wal-Mart. Because I said NO. and meant it. So not fun..... and so embarrassing. What did I say no to? pacifier in the mouth. And you can bet your bottom dollar I will be watching what I say extra careful and praying that we master this thing so we don't have another one of "those" moments. At least not with the same child.

The "as promised" cute pictures :)..... 

Payslie playing with play-doh... and her "smile at the camera" attempt.



This cheese-face is adorable.





this girl loves to get pretty...



I am OH SO EXCITED about my recently found treasure... take a peek:



For those of you who don't know... this is the sweetest little song... and my Grandma used to sing this to me and my sister all the time. I made a scene in Home Goods when I found this because that kind of excitement cannot be contained. And anyone who has ever shopped with me knows that I tend to be a little loud about what I like.(some people must find this strange, because I get a lot of stares...it's worse when I'm with someone who is the exact same way...MOM.) In case you have never heard this song, and can't read the words, here is how it goes:

A you're adorable, B you're so beautiful, C you're a cutie full of charms.... D you're a darling and E you're exciting and F you're a feather in my arms.... G you look good to me, H you're so heavenly, I you're the one I idolize..... J we're like Jack and Jill, K you're so kissable, L is the lovelight in your eyes.... MNOP I could go on all day.... QRST alphabetically speaking, you're okay.... U make my life complete, V you're so very sweet WXYZ.... I love to wander through the alphabet with you to tell you what you mean to me!

Really, you should google the song and listen to it so you can get the sweet tune that it is set to.... Can't wait to put it up in the girls room!









A quick overview of this week....

This week, I started doing the "couch-to-5k" running plan.... so I have been very sore ALL. WEEK. LONG. The girls and I start our day by going to workout at 9am every morning. We have aerobics/run/strength training 3 mornings a week and zumba the other 2. It totally forces me to get out and get our day started and we love the exercise.

I'm currently shopping craigslist and garage sales for a double jogging stroller.... hoping I find one sooner than later.

I have been feeling very "spray-paint" inspired lately. This means that I have been frequenting the thrift stores and goodwills to find projects. Which means... lots of mess. And not a single, finished project yet. *deep, deep sigh*

I have re-gotten into studying personality types this week. Do you know yours??? I find it all very fascinating. The weird thing is that the test tells me I am something I am so not. I could tell which one I was by reading the description.... pretty sure I am an ISTJ= The Duty Fulfiller. So... everyone should google personality types and take the Myers-Briggs test. Or go to thepersonalitypage.com and just read about them to figure it out.

I told Payslie that we were going to swim at the gym pool last night.... she was very excited, of course.... until she became very concerned about what I was going to wear. Her words to me were: "Mommy, we need to get you a mom swimsuit. That's what we will do!" If she only knew what that statement meant.

And lastly, because this is the most boring post ever, I will post some fun pics of my cuties very soon :) ... as well as a hilarious video of Felicity coming down the stairs at record speed. She can actually beat me. Michael and I just die laughing everytime she does it.