The Blessing of the Child-Prayer

I don't even remember what it was that she did.... but, I looked at her and said, "Felicity, you know that was wrong. Come here..."

And she looked at me with that.... that look. The one that says, "hmm... not sure I want to obey you right now."

So our eyes are locked. My eyebrows lift in a "don't-even-think-about-it" challenge and I watch her battle it out inside that child-brain of hers....

Yeah, you guessed it. She chose her way.

And on this particular day, for this particular battle- I decided I was going to win. But I decided I wanted to win her heart. Not just the "uncle-cry". (<--it shames me to admit how often I give in upon claiming this)

As she turned to stalk off to her room and the familiar comfort of her blankie and paci(oh believe me, the decision to include that little bit of truth was so not an easy call for me. yes, she still has a pacifier. yes, she will be 3 in less that 2 months.), I called her back to sit on my lap. Until she could sit still and calmly accept my authority.

This is the part where I wanted to give in. I didn't know how long it was going to take. I had stuff to do. Seriously, child-of-mine, JUST OBEY ME!

But. We've  been praying. Asking Him to soften my heart and change the way I love to the way He loves.

So there we sat. Her, seething and squirming and wrestling. Me, praying that she would give in before I did.

And she did. All of the sudden.... she leaned into me. I felt the tension leave her little body... she still cried... only now, quiet and soft. She said, "okay mommy."

And I held her. And she wrapped her arms around me and told me she loved me and she was off to play.... the familiar comforts forgotten about.

Felicity. This is the girl that prays for me every night. Things like, "Mommy makes mistakes and please help her to use nice words" and "God, please help Mommy to really, really, really, really be patient" (she must know that's about how much patience it takes with her!!!)... and I joke and tease that these prayers are somehow manipulative to make me feel guilty but oh my goodness even if they are, it matters not because the Lord uses them to speak to me in profound ways.

And tonight He took me back to this day.... to this memory that wasn't so many days ago. And He spoke to me.

About how I stare into His Word and I feel those whispers of conviction across my soul and sometimes I still choose me.

And how many times do I turn and run to the familiar comforts??? Food, unhealthy relationships, fantasy worlds found in movies and tv shows and books and social media.... the list is endless but these are some of my top choices.

Oh, but when I stop and I listen even just enough to sit, though it be squirming, seething, wrestling.....

It's only a matter of time until He gets to me and I lean into Him..... and I can breathe in His Peace and His Presence. His Love is just that way.... it's too strong to not be moved by it. 

"Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Fulfill your promise to your servant, so that you may be feared." Ps. 119:36-38

And may I continue to be gifted with these child-prayers that inspire me to turn back toward my Jesus and wrestle if need be until I encounter the Love that changes everything.

No such thing as a 'pintrest' Miracle.

I love all things crafty. I love looking at something that is lackluster or plain and seeing a vision of what it could be and working with my hands to make it transform. Yet, I've had an impulse to do this with my own life. Like my ideas of how God could or should redeem are the right ones. And shame on me for standing indignant when He doesn't use my 'brilliant' plan.

How can healing happen between 2,500 miles? How can communication blossom and mature over controlled fragments of time? How can a marriage start to find its way to health and Home? How can redemption sweep real and holy through a jail cell???

JESUS.

Yeah. I know. It doesn't make sense. Pretty sure that's the business He is in. He leaves no room for doubt that it's not my 'craft-project-plan' that makes whole out of shattered and broken but it's His relentless love. And His crazy, wild, out-of-control, amazing grace.

This messy grace that He bathes me in... I have to fight to receive it. Sometimes I think that the package it's coming in could use a little 'pintrest-creativity-help' because it might help my ego when I talk about it.... when I share the miraculous work that He is doing.

Since when does a miracle need a pretty wrap job???

When it's just Him and when it's all grace.... that's beauty enough. Lord, help me believe it and receive it.

Maybe the journey seems long and the days are hard not because He is slow, because He never is but only patient with me(2 Peter 3:9), but because I am....

Slow to learn, slow to surrender, slow to believe, slow to trust, slow to obey....

Slow to accept.

To accept that which comes from His Hand, knowing that it is only good for me and glory for Him. Accept His pattern of beauty that He is weaving in my life and believe that it is far more beautiful than what I had in mind.

Let a song rise.

Young, aching voices asking questions that have no easy answers....

Moments that have my eyes filling with tears and I fight to give controlled reassurance...

The gut-checks that come out of nowhere and I struggle to gasp for air....

And giggles and firsts and changes that come yet are bittersweet....

And the truth is that we all have hearts that are wounded. But may we come weary to the One who binds us up(Psalm 147:3).

Little bit of hope: the struggle will end and a song will rise....

This ain't easy...

I've thought about how to write this at least a thousand times. In fact, for the past 5 months, I've started, stopped, started again, stopped again.... yet no matter how I've tried... it doesn't come out easy or pretty. So here it comes...

One year and four months ago, I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. About 3 hours later, it became public knowledge as it was aired on news stations throughout the state in which we were living. The following 48 hours were the hardest hours I have ever lived, as life as I had known it, fell apart before my very eyes in the most horrific way I could have dreamt. My husband disclosed to me his multiple acts of infidelity among which were an addiction to pornography and a criminal charge of a sexual-offense.

I remember saying, "it would hurt less if he were dead."

In one phone-call, my dreams of a fairy-tale life died. And I was engulfed in a tidal wave of shock, anger, and sorrow.

I type these words for 3 reasons:

1. God told me to. (this is really the only one that matters)

2. I have come to be grateful for the lack of "secrecy" that came with this knowledge because I was beyond blessed by the body of Christ who reached out and ministered to me. And I cannot imagine walking through the pain of a broken marriage alone... and I know that far too many women do. And I want those precious ones to know--- you. are. NOT. alone.

3. refer to #1.

As I sit here, writing these words that I sometimes still struggle to believe are my story, I am in my home in which I live with my 3 beautiful daughters and my husband is serving a 2 year sentence in another state for his sin.

And I don't know how.... but I thank my Sovereign Lord that my life didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to.... He ransomed me from the american dream. And He showed me who He was and is when He stripped away all that I held more dear than Him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds (as I never did, but now I'm aware of this truth). In fact, all I really know, is that God is good. And He is enough. And on the days that I struggle to believe this, He pours His Grace out on me.

Although most days I feel vastly inadequate to be His instrument, I cling to and choose to believe His truth about me and know that any follower of His that yields themselves to His Hands is valuable to His Work and His Kingdom.

And now that these words have been written, I trust that He will lead me from here....

Here am I. Send me!

"I need your messy story… and you need your messy story. So tell me your story, not your sermons, tell me your thrashing, and not just your theology. Tell me about your questions – and not just your quest. Because we read so that that we know that we aren’t the only ones."

I read this quote on Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience. First of all, you should follow her blog. It is IN.CRED.IBLE. I've been re-reading this quote for 2 months... wondering what to do with it. 

And then, Pastor Matt's challenge to the church was to "share your story" this week.

Ever feel like you keep asking God to make it more clear to you just cuz you wanna drag your feet about obeying? 

Yeah... well, I have. And the thing is... He is answering my prayers. He's making it more clear.

But there is this voice that tells me I'm not ready. I'm not "out of the woods" or maybe still in danger of going off a cliff or something. Perhaps. And so I asked God if that was true... if I needed Him to do more in me before I was useful to Him.

And He brought to mind, Jonah. The man He used to save a great, evil city from destruction. It's pretty clear that Jonah had a LONG way to go when God used him to do that. The more I thought about it, the more amazed I was about the whole story. God chose to use a self-centered, proud, whiny, immature, want-the-comfortable-life guy(this description hits a little too close to home) to make HIS GLORY known. 

Yes, He has a LOT more to do in me. And I'm certain He will for a long time. That's what made me excited when I remembered this:

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.." Philippians 1:6

As I struggle(hopefully with my face turned upward to my Savior), to move these leaden feet forward in obedience.... I grab hold of these truths and cling for dear life.

And may I be honest? IT. SCARES. ME.

And I know why people don't talk about it. And I don't want to. But God is relentlessly laying it on my heart...and I have a lot of excuses and so many justifications but He says "obey Me". And this process of laying my life before Him and inviting Him to prune me- it. really. hurts.

If I've been asked to lay down anything, it has been and is pride.

And those people I run into, the ones I imagine talking about me and my messy life... God whispers,

"Forgive. Don't hold any grudge or resentment. My Spirit wants to FILL you and there is not room for a record of wrongs. And all that worldly logic of 'protecting' yourself- that's for the birds and when you are filled with Me and you love like Me- you. will. hurt. and it's messy and I will call you to lay down your pride time and again but this life I've given you isn't to make you look good --- it's about declaring MY goodness. I gave My Son over to people who were spitting and jeering and mocking, because I loved them."

And He places His loved ones in my life who share this with me:

"Oh give thanks to the LORD , call upon His name; Make known is deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; Speak of all His wonders... Proclaim good tidings of His salvation from day to day. Tell of His glory among the nations, His wonderful deeds among all the peoples. For great is the LORD and greatly to be praised..." 1 Chronicles 16:8-9, 23b-25a

This life is so messy. Isn't it? And yet, it's in this ugly disaster that I've seen the LORD. And how does one remain silent after that???

"'Woe to me!' I cried. 'I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.'....Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for Us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me!'" Isaiah 6:5,8

And it makes me wanna sing that song I used to giggle about... Yes Lord, Yes Lord. Yes, Yes Lord.
But really....
Lord, YES.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

"I cast all my cares upon You...
I lay all of my burdens, down at Your Feet...
And when I don't know, what I should do...
I cast all of my cares upon You..."

My precious, 4-year-old Payslie sang this all morning.

She blesses me.

Today I read an update on some answered prayers... "God is so good!!!" Indeed, He is. Yes, our God is so so good.

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

In every moment, every circumstance, every unknown.... the Jehovah God does not change. He is always GOOD.

And as hard as it is for me to accept and believe this: He uses every circumstance in my life for my good and His glory.

Isn't that awesome???

Today I choose to believe and declare that my God is GOOD.
Today I choose to believe and trust that He uses all things for my good and for His glory.
Today I choose to cast all my cares upon my Lord.
Today, whatever is in front of me, I choose to sing hallelujah.

"Martha, Martha...only one thing is needed."

A couple of mornings ago, I climbed into bed after Mercy's early morning feeding, anxious to get another hour or 2 of sleep before the older girls woke up.... and I felt a gentle tug in my soul.

"Come be with Me."

And I whined, "but I'm so tired"..... and I'm ashamed and my heart hurts that I didn't get out of bed.

Tonight I wept as the Lord brought this moment back to my mind. I had thought about it briefly that morning, as I stumbled, bleary-eyed and just as exhausted, out of bed about an hour and a half later to pour juice and turn on cartoons.

But you know what? I learned something tonight as I asked the Lord's forgiveness for not heeding His call.....

That morning... that gentle whisper against my soul.... it was an invitation to come into the Presence of the Most High God, not because He needs me, but because I need Him---- and He knows that. And somewhere in my pride and arrogance, I make spending time with my Lord about me and what I can offer Him or what I need to do in order to be pleasing to Him.

And I'm so wrong. Because it's not from my striving and trying and self-discipline and denying sleep and better time management that I somehow stumble upon becoming holy....

I think it's more like "you become like the One you spend time with"..... and His beckoning to me is an invitation to be loved on by Him and to be refreshed in Him and to be filled with Him.

And it's in the being with Him that the Spirt-fruit is produced in me..... that joy for the trials and that love for the unlovable and that peace for the unknown and that patience that is tested. and tested. and tested again.

And I weep... that I reject His love... and that I choose not to be the Mary at His feet and instead choose to be the complaining, "busy" Martha.

Yet... my Creator God and Savior King pursues the heart of this daughter of His who gets so distracted but who just desperately needs HIM. Even if the laundry piles up and the toys remain exploded and the bellies are filled with pb&j and crackers over and over.... these children will be much better off if this is the ONE thing that happens each day...

That the response to this wildly jealous invitation to be loved on and known by God would be answered with me getting out of bed and entering into that most Sacred Place... and finding the rest that I most need.