It happened in a split-second.... I had just turned to grab a diaper and there she rolled. Off of the bench and onto the ground (tile-ground. In McDonalds. Hard, germy ground!).
A traumatic-first for me to be sure, but not the first time that a baby has rolled off of whatever thanks to the carelessness of a within-reach-parent. And she is perfectly fine although I'm still kinda not. In the moment, it seemed to magnify and confirm a deep-rooted fear...
As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.
The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.
And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.
The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.
It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes.
As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.
The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.
And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.
The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.
It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes.
And my prayer on these hard days, days when I battle hard with self-doubt, when the list of the virtuous woman just seems so far out of reach.... I search and pray for this:
"But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30b and may that lead to "Her children rise up and bless her" Proverbs 31:28a.
and might that be enough.
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