You're Invited.

"Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear; but certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer nor His lovingkindness from me." Psalm 66:16:-20

I've been chewing on this for awhile now. A couple of months ago, I had an incredible experience with Jesus. I sat down to plunk my thoughts out here... but God said to wait. I wondered at that and then in the last several weeks I've wrestled hard again with fear and doubt. So I'm thinking that God's timing may have been for me to embrace this dare-prayer in the middle of this struggle... and invite you to join.

A little over a year ago, I started asking God to increase my faith. And it wasn't like a "Please give me more faith, Lord" in a sweet, timid voice just because I thought it'd be cool.

No. It was an agonizing, pleading cry for faith because it was like I woke up and realized that I did not believe everything that I said I did. I was smack dab in the center of a faith crisis and it was gonna go one way or the other and I.was.terrified.

At the time, everything in my life was in complete upheaval and I'm crazy enough to know that God took me to that place so I would see how pathetically weak my faith was. I thought about that parable about faith the size of a mustard seed and I took my tiny grain of faith, just enough to ask for more, and I dared to tell my mountain of unbelief to move.

Over the next several months, God started revealing things to me about myself but more importantly, He revealed things about HIMSELF to me. And it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I actually looked back.... and I was astounded at what I saw.

Mount Unbelief had been thrown into the sea.

And this brings me to a couple of months ago. Late on a Monday night... in the car... for the first time ever, I understood and believed that God.Is.Enough.

And it's not a "I've learned how to go without the worldly things of this world and I'm not selfish anymore and that's why Jesus is enough for me because I don't want any of this other stuff anymore" and that load of bull that Jesus being enough is some sort of spartan existence...

No! It's the complete opposite.... That moment, the one that I realized for the first time that I believed and I mean truly believed that God is enough for me.... I've never felt so... FULL. Full to gushing like it was gonna just spill all over everything and anything and no matter what happens in this life... HE IS ENOUGH and then some.

God had answered me...

"In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You, for You will answer me." Ps. 86:7

"The humble have seen it and are glad; you who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise His who are prisoners." Ps. 69:32-33

"This poor man[woman] cried, and the LORD heard him[her] and saved him[her] out of all of his[her] troubles." Ps. 34:6

That moment.... it was a precious Grace gift from my Jesus. A moment when that which my head knew to be true and my mouth declared to be Truth, connected with my heart and I could hardly breathe from the weight of the blessing of it all.

And I have to tell you because well, first of all, it's awesome! but mostly because if you haven't experienced that for yourself.... you just have to! You can't miss out on that... seriously, don't miss it.

And if any part of you wants it, (I know I want more!) then take this dare with me:

Invite God to wreck your life.

To wreck the way we think things should be... to break attachments to anything other than His Heart...to bust out of the limits that we so foolishly place on Him.

Can't wait to see what He does.

McDonald's: My Momma Fears Revealed.

It happened in a split-second.... I had just turned to grab a diaper and there she rolled. Off of the bench and onto the ground (tile-ground. In McDonalds. Hard, germy ground!).

A traumatic-first for me to be sure, but not the first time that a baby has rolled off of whatever thanks to the carelessness of a within-reach-parent. And she is perfectly fine although I'm still kinda not. In the moment, it seemed to magnify and confirm a deep-rooted fear...

As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.

The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.

And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.

The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.

It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes. 

And my prayer on these hard days, days when I battle hard with self-doubt, when the list of the virtuous woman just seems so far out of reach.... I search and pray for this:

"But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30b and may that lead to "Her children rise up and bless her" Proverbs 31:28a.

and might that be enough.

2014's New Year's {not-so-resolute} Resolution.

New Year's came and went... I didn't really resolve to do anything. But it's still January and I decided a new resolution really can come at any time so I won't allow my procrastination to once again win.

Maybe better late than never can be true for this too. 

So, I've been thinking about it. Because although I could easily come up with some things that I "should" be resolute about (ie. lose baby weight-or whatever "weight" it is-, make more healthy meals, exercise, read more stories to the kids, etc...) I know that the sad, bottom-line is that I simply lack much commitment to making these things happen and I would probably end up on the list of people who give up on their resolutions about week 3 of 2014. 

It may turn out that I still completely fail at my "resolution" which I am going to categorize as more of a "goal" (because I can certainly handle making more of those in my life).... but I decided that I would make it about something that I actually have some passion for (and clearly health is not one of those things at this point in my life according to the previous, embarrassing admission about no commitment to any such things).

So, I've decided that I am going to blog once a week. This is extremely daunting since I am one of the most sporadic bloggers that ever did live. Nevertheless, I'm gonna give it a go.

Happy Blogging Year :) 

The Blessing of the Child-Prayer

I don't even remember what it was that she did.... but, I looked at her and said, "Felicity, you know that was wrong. Come here..."

And she looked at me with that.... that look. The one that says, "hmm... not sure I want to obey you right now."

So our eyes are locked. My eyebrows lift in a "don't-even-think-about-it" challenge and I watch her battle it out inside that child-brain of hers....

Yeah, you guessed it. She chose her way.

And on this particular day, for this particular battle- I decided I was going to win. But I decided I wanted to win her heart. Not just the "uncle-cry". (<--it shames me to admit how often I give in upon claiming this)

As she turned to stalk off to her room and the familiar comfort of her blankie and paci(oh believe me, the decision to include that little bit of truth was so not an easy call for me. yes, she still has a pacifier. yes, she will be 3 in less that 2 months.), I called her back to sit on my lap. Until she could sit still and calmly accept my authority.

This is the part where I wanted to give in. I didn't know how long it was going to take. I had stuff to do. Seriously, child-of-mine, JUST OBEY ME!

But. We've  been praying. Asking Him to soften my heart and change the way I love to the way He loves.

So there we sat. Her, seething and squirming and wrestling. Me, praying that she would give in before I did.

And she did. All of the sudden.... she leaned into me. I felt the tension leave her little body... she still cried... only now, quiet and soft. She said, "okay mommy."

And I held her. And she wrapped her arms around me and told me she loved me and she was off to play.... the familiar comforts forgotten about.

Felicity. This is the girl that prays for me every night. Things like, "Mommy makes mistakes and please help her to use nice words" and "God, please help Mommy to really, really, really, really be patient" (she must know that's about how much patience it takes with her!!!)... and I joke and tease that these prayers are somehow manipulative to make me feel guilty but oh my goodness even if they are, it matters not because the Lord uses them to speak to me in profound ways.

And tonight He took me back to this day.... to this memory that wasn't so many days ago. And He spoke to me.

About how I stare into His Word and I feel those whispers of conviction across my soul and sometimes I still choose me.

And how many times do I turn and run to the familiar comforts??? Food, unhealthy relationships, fantasy worlds found in movies and tv shows and books and social media.... the list is endless but these are some of my top choices.

Oh, but when I stop and I listen even just enough to sit, though it be squirming, seething, wrestling.....

It's only a matter of time until He gets to me and I lean into Him..... and I can breathe in His Peace and His Presence. His Love is just that way.... it's too strong to not be moved by it. 

"Turn my heart toward your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. Fulfill your promise to your servant, so that you may be feared." Ps. 119:36-38

And may I continue to be gifted with these child-prayers that inspire me to turn back toward my Jesus and wrestle if need be until I encounter the Love that changes everything.

No such thing as a 'pintrest' Miracle.

I love all things crafty. I love looking at something that is lackluster or plain and seeing a vision of what it could be and working with my hands to make it transform. Yet, I've had an impulse to do this with my own life. Like my ideas of how God could or should redeem are the right ones. And shame on me for standing indignant when He doesn't use my 'brilliant' plan.

How can healing happen between 2,500 miles? How can communication blossom and mature over controlled fragments of time? How can a marriage start to find its way to health and Home? How can redemption sweep real and holy through a jail cell???

JESUS.

Yeah. I know. It doesn't make sense. Pretty sure that's the business He is in. He leaves no room for doubt that it's not my 'craft-project-plan' that makes whole out of shattered and broken but it's His relentless love. And His crazy, wild, out-of-control, amazing grace.

This messy grace that He bathes me in... I have to fight to receive it. Sometimes I think that the package it's coming in could use a little 'pintrest-creativity-help' because it might help my ego when I talk about it.... when I share the miraculous work that He is doing.

Since when does a miracle need a pretty wrap job???

When it's just Him and when it's all grace.... that's beauty enough. Lord, help me believe it and receive it.

Maybe the journey seems long and the days are hard not because He is slow, because He never is but only patient with me(2 Peter 3:9), but because I am....

Slow to learn, slow to surrender, slow to believe, slow to trust, slow to obey....

Slow to accept.

To accept that which comes from His Hand, knowing that it is only good for me and glory for Him. Accept His pattern of beauty that He is weaving in my life and believe that it is far more beautiful than what I had in mind.

Let a song rise.

Young, aching voices asking questions that have no easy answers....

Moments that have my eyes filling with tears and I fight to give controlled reassurance...

The gut-checks that come out of nowhere and I struggle to gasp for air....

And giggles and firsts and changes that come yet are bittersweet....

And the truth is that we all have hearts that are wounded. But may we come weary to the One who binds us up(Psalm 147:3).

Little bit of hope: the struggle will end and a song will rise....

This ain't easy...

I've thought about how to write this at least a thousand times. In fact, for the past 5 months, I've started, stopped, started again, stopped again.... yet no matter how I've tried... it doesn't come out easy or pretty. So here it comes...

One year and four months ago, I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. About 3 hours later, it became public knowledge as it was aired on news stations throughout the state in which we were living. The following 48 hours were the hardest hours I have ever lived, as life as I had known it, fell apart before my very eyes in the most horrific way I could have dreamt. My husband disclosed to me his multiple acts of infidelity among which were an addiction to pornography and a criminal charge of a sexual-offense.

I remember saying, "it would hurt less if he were dead."

In one phone-call, my dreams of a fairy-tale life died. And I was engulfed in a tidal wave of shock, anger, and sorrow.

I type these words for 3 reasons:

1. God told me to. (this is really the only one that matters)

2. I have come to be grateful for the lack of "secrecy" that came with this knowledge because I was beyond blessed by the body of Christ who reached out and ministered to me. And I cannot imagine walking through the pain of a broken marriage alone... and I know that far too many women do. And I want those precious ones to know--- you. are. NOT. alone.

3. refer to #1.

As I sit here, writing these words that I sometimes still struggle to believe are my story, I am in my home in which I live with my 3 beautiful daughters and my husband is serving a 2 year sentence in another state for his sin.

And I don't know how.... but I thank my Sovereign Lord that my life didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to.... He ransomed me from the american dream. And He showed me who He was and is when He stripped away all that I held more dear than Him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds (as I never did, but now I'm aware of this truth). In fact, all I really know, is that God is good. And He is enough. And on the days that I struggle to believe this, He pours His Grace out on me.

Although most days I feel vastly inadequate to be His instrument, I cling to and choose to believe His truth about me and know that any follower of His that yields themselves to His Hands is valuable to His Work and His Kingdom.

And now that these words have been written, I trust that He will lead me from here....