Monday, September 2, 2013

This ain't easy...

I've thought about how to write this at least a thousand times. In fact, for the past 5 months, I've started, stopped, started again, stopped again.... yet no matter how I've tried... it doesn't come out easy or pretty. So here it comes...

One year and four months ago, I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. About 3 hours later, it became public knowledge as it was aired on news stations throughout the state in which we were living. The following 48 hours were the hardest hours I have ever lived, as life as I had known it, fell apart before my very eyes in the most horrific way I could have dreamt. My husband disclosed to me his multiple acts of infidelity among which were an addiction to pornography and a criminal charge of a sexual-offense.

I remember saying, "it would hurt less if he were dead."

In one phone-call, my dreams of a fairy-tale life died. And I was engulfed in a tidal wave of shock, anger, and sorrow.

I type these words for 3 reasons:

1. God told me to. (this is really the only one that matters)

2. I have come to be grateful for the lack of "secrecy" that came with this knowledge because I was beyond blessed by the body of Christ who reached out and ministered to me. And I cannot imagine walking through the pain of a broken marriage alone... and I know that far too many women do. And I want those precious ones to know--- you. are. NOT. alone.

3. refer to #1.

As I sit here, writing these words that I sometimes still struggle to believe are my story, I am in my home in which I live with my 3 beautiful daughters and my husband is serving a 2 year sentence in another state for his sin.

And I don't know how.... but I thank my Sovereign Lord that my life didn't turn out the way I thought I wanted it to.... He ransomed me from the american dream. And He showed me who He was and is when He stripped away all that I held more dear than Him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds (as I never did, but now I'm aware of this truth). In fact, all I really know, is that God is good. And He is enough. And on the days that I struggle to believe this, He pours His Grace out on me.

Although most days I feel vastly inadequate to be His instrument, I cling to and choose to believe His truth about me and know that any follower of His that yields themselves to His Hands is valuable to His Work and His Kingdom.

And now that these words have been written, I trust that He will lead me from here....

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