Thursday, March 13, 2014

Confessions of a Food Addict.

It's been about a month since the Lord told me to write this. Yes, that is what you call delayed obedience (or rather, disobedience). But I really haven't had the words until tonight so maybe I've actually just been waiting on Him.

I'm a food addict. {one who seriously can't believe I'm writing this... on the freaking internet.}

Eight weeks ago I asked for some accountablity and some help to start eating more nutritiously and living healthier. Honestly, I thought if I just acknowlged that I had an 'issue' and told someone, that it would get easier and I wouldn't be so quick to indulge myself. And at this point, I really had myself believing it was just an issue of not eating healthy.

That was a BIG FAT LIE. The next 3 weeks were some of the worst 'acting out' of my life. The chains of bondage felt like they were choking the life out of me. I was completely powerless against whatever whim I found my flesh desiring.... engaing in the sin of gluttony completely willingly and without hesitation.

As more days passed with my 'trying' and failing and failing again.... I started feeling so completely defeated. I am disgusted with my lack of self-disipline and lack of self-control.... and my still-present struggle to believe that my Jesus can meet and satisfy ALL of my desires.

So then, a little over 4 weeks ago, I reached out for a prayer intervention and confessed my ongoing sin of gluttony. And it's been pretty up-and-down since then.

And I know the Lord is really trying to get my attention. And I want to want(yes that stutter was intentional) Him enough that I keep asking Him to not give up until I give in. 

And for real. I WANT to hunger and thirst for Him more than a warm maple bar and a cold diet dr. pepper. But the truth is that I settle for what tastes good on my tongue and deny His power to change my heart. The reality of this frustrates and grieves me. And it's not just food. It's Facebook, and television, and social time, and candy crush, and crafts and it goes on because there are so many things that I say 'yes' to in order to satisfy when it's HIM that I'm so desperate for! 

And I'm sick and tired of wanting 'comfort' more than wanting the Comforter.

So here is the deal: I'm making some changes and I'm gonna beg God to change my heart as I do. Because I really don't want to change anything. I don't want to say no to myself or deny myself. And that scares the hell out of me. [that's supposed to be a metaphor, not a curse word... but I feel like such a rebel typing that.] Right now, I'm studying Jesus' message to the Church in Revelation and I feel the holy fire of conviction and the need to repent! And contrary to what I used to think 'repent' means, it's more than telling the Lord "I'm sorry".... it's actually changing!!!!

Tonight, I took another step forward in this "change". And I'm hesitantly excited about it.

I'm going to be working on 'eating responsibly' and doing some intentional exercise. And the Lord also convicted me about this tonight: I'm going to stop complaining about my body and making jokes about my addiction to food. Because the truth is that it's not funny. It's idolatry and it shouldn't be taken lightly. And I've spent far too much time justifying and excusing my sin.

So... out of all of the things that I've shared on here, this is possibly the most difficult. This is ugly truth.   And it's MY ugly truth. I'm so thankful that Jesus has shown me the miracles He can work with ugly. I'm choosing to trust that He can do the same with this. 

Here's to FREEDOM. *cheers*