A couple of mornings ago, I climbed into bed after Mercy's early morning feeding, anxious to get another hour or 2 of sleep before the older girls woke up.... and I felt a gentle tug in my soul.
"Come be with Me."
And I whined, "but I'm so tired"..... and I'm ashamed and my heart hurts that I didn't get out of bed.
Tonight I wept as the Lord brought this moment back to my mind. I had thought about it briefly that morning, as I stumbled, bleary-eyed and just as exhausted, out of bed about an hour and a half later to pour juice and turn on cartoons.
But you know what? I learned something tonight as I asked the Lord's forgiveness for not heeding His call.....
That morning... that gentle whisper against my soul.... it was an invitation to come into the Presence of the Most High God, not because He needs me, but because I need Him---- and He knows that. And somewhere in my pride and arrogance, I make spending time with my Lord about me and what I can offer Him or what I need to do in order to be pleasing to Him.
And I'm so wrong. Because it's not from my striving and trying and self-discipline and denying sleep and better time management that I somehow stumble upon becoming holy....
I think it's more like "you become like the One you spend time with"..... and His beckoning to me is an invitation to be loved on by Him and to be refreshed in Him and to be filled with Him.
And it's in the being with Him that the Spirt-fruit is produced in me..... that joy for the trials and that love for the unlovable and that peace for the unknown and that patience that is tested. and tested. and tested again.
And I weep... that I reject His love... and that I choose not to be the Mary at His feet and instead choose to be the complaining, "busy" Martha.
Yet... my Creator God and Savior King pursues the heart of this daughter of His who gets so distracted but who just desperately needs HIM. Even if the laundry piles up and the toys remain exploded and the bellies are filled with pb&j and crackers over and over.... these children will be much better off if this is the ONE thing that happens each day...
That the response to this wildly jealous invitation to be loved on and known by God would be answered with me getting out of bed and entering into that most Sacred Place... and finding the rest that I most need.