This blog post may be offensive and too graphic for some people, so if you have an issue with “potty talk”, I’m giving you fair warning right now. Or you can judge away J No matter.
I have entered into a stage with my 2nd child that no human being ever wants to experience…. She has, not once, not twice, but HANDFULS of times, taken a dirty diaper off herself and proceeded to try to “clean herself up”. The last episode we experienced was when I found her doing her best to wipe herself up with Q-tips! Which were being lovingly handed to her by her older sister. Thankfully, (although I ask myself how I can use that word in this story) I caught her before it had been spread far and was able to disinfect the area in a relatively short amount of time.
The only reason I even dare share this story is because I think that God has used it (I’m becoming convinced He really can use ANYTHING), to reveal to me how I at times try to clean up my own crap in my life.(pun totally intended and I thought about using a more “mild” or ladylike term but nothing described it well enough so I called it what it is)
I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve hidden myself in the corner of a room, attempted at using something that would not only take forever, but even if it removed the visible stains, would leave behind an untold amount of bacteria to infect everything around it and I’d say its not out of the realm of imagination that a well-intentioned loved one has stood nearby and sweetly done their best to “help” me.
I’ve told my precious child to “ask Mommy for help” and to “wait for me” to clean her up. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever learned about my Savior that has led me to believe that it’s my job to clean my life up. Yet I’ve wrestled with this truth for a really long time.
While I hope that my daughter's habit to do this is just a passing phase, I think my issue stems from a lack of trusting God. It’s embarrassing, really. I find it pretty easy to say, “I’m just trusting the Lord with it all” or “God is in control and on His Throne” and lots of people I know talk like this too. I’ve witnessed His Divine power and faithfulness in people’s lives around me. And I don’t think He hasn’t done the same in my life…. I’m just beginning to wonder if I’ve ever really given Him the credit in my heart.
It pains me to say that if God asked me, “Bryana, do you trust Me with everything in your life, even the things your heart holds most dear?”, the only honest answer I would have right now is…. “Not really, Lord. I want to! Jesus, help my unbelief!”
And I hope that is the first step of faith for me.
To admit that I lack faith.
And with a grateful heart, praise my Jesus for loving me enough to show me that I do.
I don't know if anyone else wrestles with trusting God as much as I do, but if you do, I'll be praying for you as I fervently ask the Holy Spirit to continue to work this all out in my heart. And if you don't and you think about it, I would certainly appreciate any extra prayers on my behalf.