Felicity is 3. {belated b-day update}

The intention of this blog originally was to catalog the growing up of my kiddos. Hasn't happened that way and I'm totally okay with that, but got to thinking that perhaps I could manage an annual 'update' on birthdays as to who my little humans are so that I don't forget. Because I realize that I do, for these moments are passing so quickly. And this way, maybe you can get a couple of chuckles and I can get a couple of prayers when I share this little booger-pill that I love so much with you. However, this post is a day shy of one month late. But whatevs.

This girl. She keeps me laughing and praying and pulling my hair out. She is a big-drama-mama and I'm sure sometimes our neighbors wonder how one child can make so much noise. Because the truth is that a cry about an unkind word or an unshared toy sounds pretty much the exact same as a life-threatening injury. And the rate at which it can turn off and on is next to the speed of light. 

But, as she grows and I'm confronted with learning to parent one who has some mad skills of manipulation, there some things that are frighteningly close to the person I see in the mirror. {probably that big-drama-mama stuff. *sigh*}

I'll share some fun things this girl does that I love and some things we are working on in a letter to her from me that I look forward to sharing with her as she grows up.

My dear Felicity Noel,

What love I have for you... and how much fun I have had being your mommy and watching you grow this year into a 'big 3 year old girl'. This year, you learned to share a room with your big sister and let's be honest... It was rough, huh? It took quite some time to learn to stay in your bed instead of joining Payslie(awake or not) to chat it up for hours. I think we are both glad that you are doing better with that.

One of my favorite things this year has been watching you become a big sister... what a great one you are! From the time Mercy was born, any cry she made had you running to her side to sing her "You are My Sunshine". You just loved when she would stop fussing so that she could listen to your singing. Now that she is getting older and crawling around, you are very serious about picking up EVERYTHING so that it is safely out-of-reach of her exploring grip. 

I'm pretty sure that there is a little ballerina just waiting to burst out of you because I've never met a girl who loved to twirl as much as you do. Dress-up is a favorite of yours along with any skirt that is a 'twirler'. And those little black flats that are so beat up they look like they belong in the garbage? you love those things... your 'tip-toe shoes'. 

                                    

You love playing Doctor and your name is always Dr. Molly. You LOVE digging in the dirt and taking care of babies which you affectionately call your 'honeys'. 

You are a pretty good little eater except for the fact that you won't eat PB&J. You're 3.. what's up with that?? oh, and potatoes. (except I can't blame you there.)

You don't like shadows or bugs(of any sort). You love books, especially the look-n-finds. You also like to color... however, you really aren't very trustworthy when it comes to keeping crayons, markers, or pens on paper only.

Not sure where you got this;), but you have a knack for debate and are a natural negotiator. I think this spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

You have an exuberant zest for life... as we work on self-control, I pray I never squash this in you. I love your excitement. You live entirely in the moment, abandoned to whatever it is that you are feeling right then... good or bad. Sometimes, I see that glint of a rebel in your eyes. I think you like rocking the boat a bit.(or a lot.) And you know what? I think if we ask Jesus for His help, that can be a really good thing. Because you know who else rocked the boat? Jesus did. And I want you to be like Him. Remember that special night this year? when you asked Jesus to come live in your heart so you could be with Him forever? I'm telling you, girl of mine, He is always faithful. He is gonna teach us how to channel that spontaneity and spunk for good stuff!

    

I can't believe it's been 3 years(and some days) since my world was blessed with all the laughter you brought into it. I'm so very thankful for you, my precious one. 

                                     

You're Invited.

"Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, and He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear; but certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer nor His lovingkindness from me." Psalm 66:16:-20

I've been chewing on this for awhile now. A couple of months ago, I had an incredible experience with Jesus. I sat down to plunk my thoughts out here... but God said to wait. I wondered at that and then in the last several weeks I've wrestled hard again with fear and doubt. So I'm thinking that God's timing may have been for me to embrace this dare-prayer in the middle of this struggle... and invite you to join.

A little over a year ago, I started asking God to increase my faith. And it wasn't like a "Please give me more faith, Lord" in a sweet, timid voice just because I thought it'd be cool.

No. It was an agonizing, pleading cry for faith because it was like I woke up and realized that I did not believe everything that I said I did. I was smack dab in the center of a faith crisis and it was gonna go one way or the other and I.was.terrified.

At the time, everything in my life was in complete upheaval and I'm crazy enough to know that God took me to that place so I would see how pathetically weak my faith was. I thought about that parable about faith the size of a mustard seed and I took my tiny grain of faith, just enough to ask for more, and I dared to tell my mountain of unbelief to move.

Over the next several months, God started revealing things to me about myself but more importantly, He revealed things about HIMSELF to me. And it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I actually looked back.... and I was astounded at what I saw.

Mount Unbelief had been thrown into the sea.

And this brings me to a couple of months ago. Late on a Monday night... in the car... for the first time ever, I understood and believed that God.Is.Enough.

And it's not a "I've learned how to go without the worldly things of this world and I'm not selfish anymore and that's why Jesus is enough for me because I don't want any of this other stuff anymore" and that load of bull that Jesus being enough is some sort of spartan existence...

No! It's the complete opposite.... That moment, the one that I realized for the first time that I believed and I mean truly believed that God is enough for me.... I've never felt so... FULL. Full to gushing like it was gonna just spill all over everything and anything and no matter what happens in this life... HE IS ENOUGH and then some.

God had answered me...

"In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You, for You will answer me." Ps. 86:7

"The humble have seen it and are glad; you who seek God, let your heart revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise His who are prisoners." Ps. 69:32-33

"This poor man[woman] cried, and the LORD heard him[her] and saved him[her] out of all of his[her] troubles." Ps. 34:6

That moment.... it was a precious Grace gift from my Jesus. A moment when that which my head knew to be true and my mouth declared to be Truth, connected with my heart and I could hardly breathe from the weight of the blessing of it all.

And I have to tell you because well, first of all, it's awesome! but mostly because if you haven't experienced that for yourself.... you just have to! You can't miss out on that... seriously, don't miss it.

And if any part of you wants it, (I know I want more!) then take this dare with me:

Invite God to wreck your life.

To wreck the way we think things should be... to break attachments to anything other than His Heart...to bust out of the limits that we so foolishly place on Him.

Can't wait to see what He does.

McDonald's: My Momma Fears Revealed.

It happened in a split-second.... I had just turned to grab a diaper and there she rolled. Off of the bench and onto the ground (tile-ground. In McDonalds. Hard, germy ground!).

A traumatic-first for me to be sure, but not the first time that a baby has rolled off of whatever thanks to the carelessness of a within-reach-parent. And she is perfectly fine although I'm still kinda not. In the moment, it seemed to magnify and confirm a deep-rooted fear...

As I picked her up and rocked her close, I looked across at my friends and this embarrasses me to admit but my ego was bruised...because suddenly they could see it too, my failures as a momma.

The fear is that I'm just not good enough and that someone else would do a better job.

And this fear is dark and ugly and terrifying and I will speak it out because if I've learned it once, I've learned it many times over..... when I bring my fears into the light, they begin to lose their power. We get to see our fears for what they are when we face them head on and we can't fight the darkness unless we cling to the Light.

The truth is that God has gifted me three beautiful daughters and He has chosen me to be their mother.... imperfections and all. The truth is that I will make mistakes and some will cause pain but His Grace is big enough for the whole, big, pile of shortcomings.

It may seem strange that an incident at a McDonald's play-land would compel me to share such a thing... but I guess I kinda hope that I'm not the only one. That I'm not the only mother who sometimes wonders if she was really the right choice for the job. That I'm not the only woman who wrestles with feeling like she doesn't have what it takes. 

And my prayer on these hard days, days when I battle hard with self-doubt, when the list of the virtuous woman just seems so far out of reach.... I search and pray for this:

"But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Proverbs 31:30b and may that lead to "Her children rise up and bless her" Proverbs 31:28a.

and might that be enough.

2014's New Year's {not-so-resolute} Resolution.

New Year's came and went... I didn't really resolve to do anything. But it's still January and I decided a new resolution really can come at any time so I won't allow my procrastination to once again win.

Maybe better late than never can be true for this too. 

So, I've been thinking about it. Because although I could easily come up with some things that I "should" be resolute about (ie. lose baby weight-or whatever "weight" it is-, make more healthy meals, exercise, read more stories to the kids, etc...) I know that the sad, bottom-line is that I simply lack much commitment to making these things happen and I would probably end up on the list of people who give up on their resolutions about week 3 of 2014. 

It may turn out that I still completely fail at my "resolution" which I am going to categorize as more of a "goal" (because I can certainly handle making more of those in my life).... but I decided that I would make it about something that I actually have some passion for (and clearly health is not one of those things at this point in my life according to the previous, embarrassing admission about no commitment to any such things).

So, I've decided that I am going to blog once a week. This is extremely daunting since I am one of the most sporadic bloggers that ever did live. Nevertheless, I'm gonna give it a go.

Happy Blogging Year :)